Whole...23?

Well, I failed. I made it through 23 days. 

Now let me try to explain what happened. I truly don't even know why I did it. I had barely eaten all day, and was sitting at work doing paperwork. There were chocolate-mint candies and I just grabbed them and put some in my mouth. "What did I just do?" I thought as I chewed. It was crazy! The mixture of not enough fuel in my body, boring paperwork, and hormones was what got me. It was dumb! It wasn't even a craving; like, I wouldn't normally even want those candies. It was just a moment of total oddness. 

I instantly went back to eating "normal" foods and I didn't notice TOO much difference except for burping more and heartburn. That kind of made me mad; I was hoping all the bad food would make me feel worse so I wouldn't want to eat it anymore! My Zantac 100 is being put to use. I think it's the dairy and grains that do it!

During Whole30, I watched a few documentaries on food. Food, Inc was a huge one that opened my eyes to all the CRAP that is in our "food" here in America!!! This, plus Whole30, has me thinking I'd like to eat mostly paleo, organic, and only grass-fed beef from now on. Chicken is questionable! 

Whole Foods opened on the other side of town and I love it. I bought some fresh organic blueberries, strawberries, and green beans and find myself craving them! I'm going to try another place called Fresh Thyme to get some more fresh produce and some meat. 

One thing that WAS worth it was the 15 pounds I lost!!! Whoo hoo!

Thank you all for the prayers during my Whole30 journey! That's the only reason I made it as far as I did! And most importantly, I gotta give a huge shout out to miss Katie because she is still going strong! Only 2 days left! I think we have both learned much during the process and will take it into account when making future food choices! 

 

Ten Years

A few months ago I started having horrible dreams about Jameson's death. I think my subconscious was thinking about how the 10 year anniversary was coming up. One morning after waking from one of them, the Lord gave me first two lines of this poem and a concept. Though we've been suffering on earth without him for 10 years, Jameson has been in Glory with Jesus for 10 years. 

Yesterday, I sat down and wrote the rest of the poem in about 10 minutes. There's a ton I could do to tweak it and alter it, but I want to leave it in its "natural" state. I called my Dad and Grandma to read it to them and it made Gram cry so I figured I would leave it as is. Here it is: 

Ten Years

10 years of sorrow

10 years of pain 

10 years of sadness

10 years of rain

Our lives changed on that day

Never the same

This world's tragic loss 

was Heaven's sweet gain

Jamo's with Jesus

Wouldn't come back again

He's had

10 years of joy

10 years above 

10 years of worship

10 years of love

10 years are gone

So much has changed

We all often wonder 

Where he'd be today

We may always ask why

We may never understand

But we know he's safe

In his Lord's precious hands

        -S.Seger

 

 

God bless Jamo's family today and always. Love them! 

 

Days 20-22

Friday, Day 20: I am getting sick of frying stuff and making my apartment smell so yucky! I thought my microwave vent was sending the smell out the roof but no, it just blasts it into my apartment! I now cook with the sliding glass door open and sometimes have a fan blowing outside!

Saturday, Day 21: Somehow I stumbled across 

this recipe and decided to try it. Horrock's had some sweet potatoes with "white flesh" but it tasted like a regular sweet potato! The avocado sauce was delicious and I highly recommend the recipe. I think next time I'll eat it with a regular potato though. 

Sunday, Day 22: I could not sleep until 3-something am! I woke up around 11 this morning and super hungry. I found another recipe from that same

blog and made it for breakfast. I cut it in half though because 4 bananas is a lot! This afternoon I took a 2 hour nap and ate a Larabar and that's all so far. Very weird day. That was only the 3rd nap I've had since day 1! Normally I nabbed five days a week, at least!

I've been watching food documentaries on Hulu, and boy, I don't want to eat this "food" we have in America! It's just disgusting what is done to process the "food" we eat on a regular basis. I'm definitely going to try to buy grass-fed or local beef only, as well as organic food as much as possible. 

I'm very ready to be done with this program, and if the right thing comes along, I will probably cheat and quit. But not on something crazy like donuts or anything! The documentaries are really making me change my thoughts on what I will eat. 

I'm going to go finish a documentary about a guy who eats 40 tsp of sugar a day. I bet that wouldn't be hard for me to do pre-Whole30! America loves sugar!

 

Days 17-19

Tuesday, Day 17: Bought some steak. Enjoyed it but was dying for A1 sauce. Also, I found some Tessamae dressing at Kroger! It took a half hour of scouring and asking for help, but finally found 2 flavors that were Whole30 approved. And, they were on sale! They're in the refrigerated salad dressing section, by the way. 

Wednesday, Day 18: Earlier this year I had the bright idea to have birthday celebrations at work. By celebrate, I mean bringing in delicious snacks and treats. It's a well-known fact that therapist love treats! Well, they celebrated Cindi's birthday on Day 18. There were two chocolate cakes, and a whole bag of Lindt chocolates. I want to just the lick of the frosting, but I didn't have any. Even when I was the last one in the office, I didn't have one single bite. 

I felt tired after work, almost like I could take a nap. I was probably exhausted from all that willpower I used! :D  Here's a video of the tempting treats in all their glory: https://instagram.com/p/BHQqyBxAMiq/

Thursday, Day 19: I don't have any groceries this morning and was all pouty. I don't get paid till Tuesday, so no big purchases until then. I did go to Kroger after work to get brussels sprouts, pineapple, bananas, and Larabars, which were on sale. For dinner I made steak, and roasted brussels sprouts. Very delicious! I had one bite of pineapple and couldn't believe how sweet it was! It almost made me feel sick. Hopefully I will feel like that when I write chocolate after this is done!

Has anyone else had weird dreams during their Whole30 experience?I've stop dreaming about cheating with noncompliant food, but I have multiple funny, crazy, and vivid dreams every night.

Our last day of Whole30 is July 11. I'm very excited for that day to come. I'll be singing "hallelujerrrr" from the rooftops!

 

Day...16?

The days all blend together at this point. A coworker brought in QD donuts, but I had a Larabar. Katie says she's never seen someone have so many treats at work and it's no wonder I crave such bad food!  

For dinner I had delicious eggs over easy with fried potatoes, half an avocado, and homemade ketchup. 

 

Now I want some cookies or cake but I ate a pluot and am having lime flavored Perrier instead. :*(

 

I'm not noticing many great results (yet?) except I have only taken 2 naps since I started. Some days it's a struggle to fight a nap, but I'm not dying to sleep as son as I get home. Only big plus so far. 

Guess I'll go watch Shark Week and try not to think about the chocolate and cookies and cake that I want. I'm such a baby, but man oh man, this is difficult. 

 

Days 12-15

Thursday, Day 12: 

Made Whole30 approved ketchup. Couldn't find tomato paste at Dollar Tree or in my cupboard so I used crushed tomatoes. It tastes very vinegar-like but the second day it was much better. 

Friday, Day 13:

Katie B. (not the Whole30 Katie) and two of the kids came over. We went to Sam's and the smell of the pizza was almost more than I could handle! I had to walk away. I miss pizza so much. My other Katie, the Whole30 partner, suggested eating chicken taco meat with eggs, so I tried it. Added some onion and avocado and it was good! Katie B. was hungry so I made enough for her, and she liked it! She liked the Whole30 ketchup more than I did. She had never had an avocado before so I put some on top of hers and she's now a fan. I couldn't survive without avocados! Haha ok maybe could, but I would miss them! 

Saturday, Day 14: Easy day. Went to the pool and brought snacks (fruit) and for lunch I made more of my chicken and egg stir-fry stuff. 

Later that nigh, Susan and I went to Faith Fest in DeWitt and they had cute little dessert trucks and I wanted some ice cream. Kate a Lara Bar and had some raisins and water. 

Sunday, Day 15: Church made me a little sad today. Pastor Joe was talking about how women from age 17-30 always ask him where the godly Christian men are and he says "they're not being raised" anymore. So that was about DEPRESSING because it's very try and I got really sad and almost cried during church. Then I attempted to check my tire pressure, didn't know if I was doing it right or not, and was hoping one of the men leaving church would see me in my gorgeous dress (it was, ok?!) and heels and offer to help. I then went to get my oil changed and asked them to check my tires. All of these annoying things that would be easier with a husband. (I also had to finagle this morning to get my dress on. Was wishing I wasn't alone then, too!) On the way back I really wanted some chocolate and/or cake and/or cookies. Like BAD. I think I realized my major trigger for binging. I eat when I'm sad/lonely. No wonder I got extra fat this last year. 

So I just ate some eggs, peppers, onions, and tomatoes with my homemade ketchup. Probably fruit for dessert. 

I'm so ready for this Whole30 to be over. I'm my feeling any better, I haven't cheated one single time, NOT EVEN A BITE, and I just want a little chocolate now and then. I still have very weird and vivid dreams, too. 

I hope the next 15 days go quickly. Ugh. 

 

Favorite Healthy Snack

I thought I would share my favorite healthy snack! Mom and I used to do this in Weight Watchers and it's still a favorite when I'm trying to eat healthier. I love to cut up an apple, sprinkle some cinnamon on it, and microwave it for 3 minutes. It's soooo good! The apple is softer, but still a little crunchy, and the flavor is great. Try it and let me know if you like it! 

Oh, and a nice glass of like Perrier is the perfect accompaniment! 

 

 

Day 7-11 Updates!

Time to update! I'm so behind. 

Saturday, Day 7: We went to Lake Michigan for the day and I packed my little snacks and was happy as a clam!

It was sad because we drove by the Dairy Bar and normally Mom, Dad, and I would've stopped. Or we would have a special snack at night. It's ridiculous how much our lives revolve around food. 

Sunday, Day 8: I was very nervous for this day. First there was a lunch at church between services. I knew there wouldn't be anything I could eat, so I went to the grocery store. All I wanted was some turkey and I cannot find any that doesn't contain sugar! I had a bit of a "meltdown" (I hate when parents use that phrase about their kids' fits) and had to voice message Katie while on the verge of tears. "I just want to eat!" I ended up getting some guacamole and carrots. *yawn* BUT I found some La Croix on sale and it's all natural so I was able to buy some of that. Yum! Michigan made products rock! 

After church was Kyrstin's bridal shower tea. This was tough! There was a bunch of cupcakes and I wanted to eat just a baby one. But I didn't cave! Thank GOD there was a ton of fruit and veggies so I filled up my plate with those and enjoyed every bite. I also enjoyed some naturally flavored tea and had a grand ol' time!

After my meltdown at the store, I have been fine! I thought that was the start of the psychological aspect but I seek to be ok!

Monday....nothing exciting happened. I made steak and was so excited to eat it but missed A1. :(

Tuesday, Day 10: Since I missed dipping my steak in something, I decided to try the Whole30 mayo recipe. It was very good! I used the juice from almost a full lemon for flavor. Very satisfying and tastes just like mayo!

Wednesday, Day 11: Today I put some chicken in a crock pot with some salsa and lemon juice before work. After work my apartment smelled glorious. I added some cumin, garlic powder, and onion powder, and shredded it. It was good as a taco salad with lettuce, onion, peppers, and avocado! I could really taste the lemon! 

My main issue is breakfast and lunch. I have such a hard time eating eggs or meat in the morning, and I have NEVER liked packing a lunch. So I have been eating just fruit basically for breakfast and lunch this week which isn't the best idea. :-/

Is it weird that I'm not noticing much difference after cutting out SO many things? I may be a little less tired but I don't feel any huge benefits yet. Though today I did wear my watch on a looser notch, and a coworker I hadn't seen in a while said I look like I'm losing weight. Both positives!

Katie and I talked today and both feel like we can make it through the rest of the program. We're going strong! Going to try to be better prepared for lunch tomorrow. 

 

Days 4-6

Day 4

Wow have I been having weird dreams! Very vivid, totally crazy, and lots of dreams about eating bad food! 

One awesome thing I've noticed is that my heart pounding/racing less! For the past few months, my heart will just POUND for no reason. Two times I was at the dr and they checked my heart rate and were concerned. Once I was sitting on my balcony for about 20 mins when I noticed my heart pounding. I checked my heart rate and it was 108.

I do notice I have more energy later at night when I should be winding down for bedtime. We will see if his lasts or not!

Day 5

Still feeling fine. I didn't eat enough at lunch and by the end of my work day I had the beginnings of a bad headache. It got worse and worse even after eating and finally started getting better after 3 ibuprofen and 1 ibuprofen PM! 

Before leaving Lansing for my 2.5 hr drive to my parents house, I stopped at Horrock's for some kombucha. I tried to open it in the car and it fizzed all over! I quickly closed the lid and cleaned up. Thank God for the Lysol wipes I always have handy! I let the kombucha slowly fizz for at least a half hour, slowly loosening the cap every once in a while. Finally I had enough and just opened it with a napkin and slurped up the fizzy bubbles haha! I'm not really sure what the big attraction is; it tastes exactly like...maybe a sparkling wine or something. It's definitely not thirst quenching! I don't like alcohol and don't want to acquire a taste for it, so I think I'll b staying away from the kombucha! 

Day 6

I'm at my parents' house and it's not TOO bad because they are doing Atkins, along with one of my brothers. It was a little sad when my youngest brother came into the room eating a big bowl of ice cream and I couldn't even have a taste! Mom and Dad have a nice grill so I grilled some chicken tenderloins and they were delish! I brought all of my food for the weekend so I'm prepared! 

I need to cut back on the Larabars. They have quite a few calories and eat too many! 

 

Tomorrow we are going to Lake Michigan so I'm going to pack lots of fruit and boiled eggs and such. It shouldn't be too difficult, but we always snack on the beach so that will be a tough habit to get through. 

It's odd to me that I'm not experiencing horrible detox. Maybe it will take longer than a week to get all of the junk I was eating out of my system! 

Have a great weekend everyone!

 

Day 3

Today was day 3 of Whole30. There really wasn't much going on today, except Katie told me we can have almond butter. That was exciting! I found some at Horrock's, Lansing's best store! When I heard about Whole30, I decided to do it within 72 hours so I read the book in a whirlwind and must've retained only the important parts. Larabars and almond butter will definitely make this program much more doable I think! I just have to make sure I don't abuse them and use them for cravings.

No more fatigue than normal today and I didn't take a nap. Bring on day 4!

 

Day 2

I was pretty grouchy this morning but I don't think anything to do with my food. If one more person mentioned my sunburn, I was going to blow! As if I didn't know I'm red as a lobster, geewhiz! I felt yucky and soon as I woke up, but I think it's because I took ibuprofen p.m. last night before bed. I enjoyed a huge salad at lunch, but the aftertaste from the homemade ranch was horrible! I miss gum! 

One of our patients gave us a huge box of Russell Stover candy. It was quite tempting, especially with the garlic/onion/ranch aftertaste. But I did great!

Later in the day, Katie informed me that Larabars are acceptable so I went and grabbed some of those. This link was helpful and choosing the Whole30 approved flavors. I think they will be a lifesaver for me on this program!

 I wasn't hungry for dinner at all. I fell asleep on my couch at seven which is pretty normal for me, unfortunately. Going to try to sleep now for the rest of the night, but I'll probably have to take some melatonin. Hoping I'll have some better sleep patterns by the end of this!

 

Day 1

So today has been pretty good, so far. 

The main thing I missed is gum! We always have a greeting time at church and Mom always made us have gum so we have fresh breath when saying hi and shaking hands with everyone. It was hard not grabbing some out of my Bible bag! 

After church I fried a couple of eggs in ghee (yes, ghee!) and used coconut aminos instead of ketchup on them. It was good!!! I had never even heard of ghee or coconut aminos until a couple of days ago. 

 

It's kind of frowned upon on Whole30, but I've been doing some snacking on cherries because I legit felt hungry. Right now I have a slight headache, which could be from lack of bad foods or waiting a bit too long to eat because I was prepping!

After enjoying some sun and pool time, I made ranch dressing that's Whole30 approved, and it's pretty good. I used the recipe from this blog. Not only did I make ranch, but I boiled eggs, baked a sweet potato, AND made my lunch for tomorrow. That's a big deal for me since I usually just wing it. 

On to day 2!

 

 

T Minus One Day

This evening I find myself in a rather annoyed mood for no reason. I wasn't really sure what was going on and then I remembered: I'm starting Whole30 tomorrow. I think my subconscious is freaking out about not having sugar every few hours of every day. It blows my mind how reliant I am on sugar. 

I had never even heard of Whole30 until Thursday, when Katie mentioned it on her Facebook. I looked into it and thought it might be worth a try. I like how it focuses on improving health including psychological health. My relationship with food is so distorted and unhealthy, and I don't think anyone understands how bad it is. I really need to go back to therapy, but I don't want to pay the co-pay every week. My life is out of control in every area, and I'm hoping Whole30 will help me in the health and weight loss arenas. My goals are to change the way I look at and think about food, become healthier, and hopefully lose weight! I don't want food to dominate my every thought. When I was put on depression medication a few years ago, I felt great and didn't think about food constantly, but that only lasted for a few months. Since moving away from home last year, the downward spiral has continued. Failed diets and more binging than ever before are what my life consists of. Maybe if I had something else to think about I wouldn't think about food constantly.  I even have high cholesterol, and lately my heart has been pounding at random times for no reason at all which really scares me since my grandma has had a million heart attacks and she's young. 

The withdrawal symptoms are going to be horrible, and I know I'm going to probably cry, throw a fit or two, feel even more tired than usual, and just be plain grouchy. That's when I'll be needing the most support! 

Speaking of support, thank God for Katie! If it wasn't for her there's no way I could even begin to think that I could succeed at this. I know I can call/text/FaceTime/whatever her when I'm having a super bad craving. We have been texting nonstop about our meal prep and I know we will be able to make it together. Even with her living states away, we'll be fine. I'm definitely not afraid to be honest with her!

I'm not worried at all about the food on the program. I love healthy food! I just seem to like sugar better, sadly! My dad is the same way, and his dad, and his mom was...Definitely an unfortunate family addiction! I'm already buying some "weird" foods that I've never heard of until reading the book! Today I went to Whole Foods (for the first time!) and bought ghee and coconut aminos! 

I should be excited to try new recipes but I'm really not too thrilled. I don't really ever want to do anything except watch TV and sleep, so the meal prep will take some extra motivation. I'm hoping at the end of this I will be happier, healthier, have more energy, and feel great. 

This is quite a random blog post, but my thoughts are bouncing all over tonight! I'm going to write every day, even if it's just one sentence, to help keep myself accountable and to get some assistance from others if needed. 

Here goes nothing!

9/11

This started as a Facebook post, but ended up being too long, I decided. Now it's a blog! :)

As a 7th grader, I didn't know what a "terrorist" was, and I had no idea what the World Trade Center was. When Mrs. Schaaf came in and told Mrs. LaFreniere to turn on the news, I remember thinking "Big deal, a plane accidentally hit a tall building..."  Sadly that wasn't the case. Throughout the day we began to understand the seriousness of the situation, but as a 12 year old child, I just didn't grasp what had happened and how it affected my fellow Americans. I remember Mr. LaFreniere stomping around & threatening to join the Army if only he were younger. Later that day, our teachers all gathered us in one room to explain what had happened and what it meant for our country. I remember feverishly scribbling notes and quotes from my teachers into a notebook (which I would LOVE to find) because I had a feeling 9/11/01 was going to be a big day for America. 

It wasn't until my senior trip that I understood the magnitude of 9/11. We took the subway to the World Trade Center stop and walked right out to what was left of the WTC. I remember looking out at the massive holes filled with construction equipment, wreckage, and dirt at Ground Zero thinking "This still isn't cleaned up? It's 2007!" I turned around and walked to a wall that had drawings done by children. I soon realized these were by children who had lost their parents or family members. I started reading them and broke down in tears. My friend Brad was nearby, and held me while we both cried. It was that moment that we finally "got" it. I then had to sit down, and I called Grandma Seger, who was at work at the time, and described my surroundings. 

We then went outside, and there was a timeline set up of the events of the day. There was also a display with the names of those killed. I remember filming it with my camera and it took something like 15 seconds of filming to get all of the names in the video. That was another eye opener. There were quotes, photos, and videos on the display right there on the sidewalk, with Ground Zero in the background. The photo that haunts me to this day is of a black man saluting with tears running down his face. 

When I returned to Ground Zero in 2013, it was a totally different experience. Hannah and I were visiting the city, and wanted to see the new memorial. We paid for admission, went trough security, passed through stores of 9/11 merchandise, and finally made it to the memorial pools. There were pamphlets in every language on display, and people everywhere. When we walked up to the memorial waterfall pools we were amazed at how HUGE they were. And the names...so many names of those who died. 

The One World Trade Center was nearly finished, and it was so tall I couldn't get the whole building in one photo. The museum was not yet open at this time. 

I am grateful for my experience in 2007, as it helped me to better understand the momentous event that was 9/11. I hope to return to Ground Zero again someday to see the museum and the finished One World Trade Center. 

14 years later, I continue to pray for those who lost family members, our president, military, and my fellow Americans. I pray that we will come back the only One who can save us: Jesus Christ! May God bless America!

Small Town Life

Small town life

Some people hate it.  Most people live their lives trying to get out of it. 

I don't see what's so wrong with it. 

Sure, people may get a little catty and gossip a lot. It's just like any family, and we usually get over it. Nobody can get away with anything in our small town because we all know each other. (That's always been fun for me; I enjoy it when people know who I am just by seeing the resemblance to my parents or grandparents!) When we call the credit union or bank, we don't need to give our last name because 99% of the time we know the person on the phone. Our pharmacist makes deliveries. Our locally owned store and restaurants let people keep tabs because they know we'll be back to pay it soon. We are related to most people, and if we're not, we know people who are. We literally have mutual friends with everyone in town, and probably the county! We can't escape a trip to the gas station without seeing the face of someone we know. We make the front page of the paper or  the 6:00 news for the most trivial of accomplishments. Whether we want to be or not, we are deeply invested in small town life.

I've spent my entire adult life being made fun of for loving Manton, which hurts my feelings, but I'm not afraid to say that I'm proud of my hometown. I'm proud of the PEOPLE in my hometown. With two deaths in the Manton community in the last 36 hours, so much has already been done to help those suffering. This isn't anything new. This is the way it's always been. When there's a tragedy, friends and neighbors, even acquaintances and strangers will go out of their way to help in any way possible. When there's a cancer diagnosis, an accident, an unexpected death, we pull together and help. Not only in the bad times, but the good as well. We celebrate and have fun together, too. What a blessing that is!

No longer do I live in Manton. Now I live in a place with the number of people residing in the city limits being equal to those in my entire home COUNTY.  I don't even try to explain the close bond Mantonites share. My coworker said "Wow, you have a lot of deaths in your hometown," and I had to think about that. It may seem that way, but the reality of it is that because we are such a small community, every death seems more personal. Every tragedy impacts all of us. Each misfortune feels like it's happening to our immediate family. 

We ARE a family. Never will you meet a band of people who will fight for you like those from a small town. Especially those from a small town in Northern Michigan. It's comforting to know there are 1,300+ people who will always have my back, and I can guarantee I'll always have theirs.

I love you, Manton, and let's stay Manton Strong!

***More specifically: Let's lift the Stanley family up in prayer, and support them in any way possible. Also please pray for the Weaver family, as Red passed away today. Two firefighters who served our community are now serving the Lord in Heaven.

For information on how you can help the Stanleys, see the story on 9&10 News' website: http://www.9and10news.com/story/28825420/manton-man-remembered-after-unexpected-death#

   

I leave you with some verses I found that apply to our situation.

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." -Revelation 21:4

"And the people asked him, saying, What shall we do then? He answereth and saith unto them, He that hath two coats, let him impart to him that hath none; and he that hath meat, let him do likewise." -Luke 3:10-11

In "Hymn" We Trust

        Tonight my church had a "hymn sing," which I had never heard of or been a part of. Over 60 people from multiple churches came together to make one big choir, and members of the community and of each church filled the pews. As the entire congregation joined the choir to sing "Saved, Saved!" I got goosebumps as the first chorus ended. I marveled in the awesomness that is God, the Creator. What an amazing thing to hear so many of His people in one place lifting our voices to Him in praise.

"I bet this is kind of what Heaven will be like," I thought to myself. 

Multiple people gave special music, and two different families sang accapella with their 5 children! I would LOVE to do that someday but I don't think I'm that musically inclined. I was inspired to take piano lessons again. I wonder if there's a piano teacher who can teach older re-learners like me? It would be worth checking into I think! I still don't know what my passion is and how I can use it to help others, but I think music (or more specifically, the piano) is high on the list. 

During the service, the most adorable baby woke up and was looking around and smiling at people. I got a lump in my throat wondering when it will be MY turn to have a beautiful baby like that. When will it be MY turn to sing to my children and teach them the great hymns of the faith? Trying to not be selfish, I put the thoughts aside and continued to enjoy the music.

The last song the huge choir sang was "It Is Well With My Soul". This song has a history with me and my church family back home, and I couldn't hold the tears back. Even though this song triggers memories of a horrible day, if I think about the lyrics in the verses in a different sense, they are just so powerful!  "My sin, not in part, but the whole is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more. Praise the Lord, PRAISE THE LORD, oh my soul....Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight. The clouds be rolled back as a scroll. The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend. Even so, it is well with my soul!"

It was a joyful evening spent with a room full of strangers, but all with a common love for Christ. I wish this is how every day ended!

Dementia - a COTA's Prose

I type in the code to enter the locked unit. Only the most confused and demented patients are kept here, and are locked in for their own safety. I walk the long hallway with shiny wood floors and enter the main gathering room. It's bright and cheerful, with large windows allowing for a view of the sunset in the evening. Elderly people are scattered all over the room; some dozing in recliners, others wander aimlessly in wheelchairs or on foot, while another sits in the corner playing with a baby doll. 

My patient, M, is in a recliner sleeping. To wake him, I must pat his leg and yell directly into his ear in order for him to hear me. He stirs, smiles, and is thrilled when I ask if he would like to work on an activity with me. Before he stands, I unplug the chair alarm safety device that will squawk loudly once his weight leaves the chair. He walks faster than most, and is fairly cognizant, though his hearing makes communication difficult

"Let's get out of here!" he says, after participating in our sorting activity for about 4 minutes.

"Ok, let's go!" I yell. Off he goes with his blue 4 wheeled walker. We walk the two long halls and look outside, a place he hasn't been in weeks. He speaks clearly, when he can hear my questions, and is a joyful man. 

After about a half hour, I help M back to his chair for the rest of his nap, making sure to turn his chair alarm back on so the aides will be alerted if he decides to wander. I walk the long hallway and wonder why he is in the dementia unit as punch in a different code to exit.

The next day, I go back to The Meadows, as it's called. It's lunch time, and all of the residents are gathered around the tables with trays of food in front of them. I pull up a chair next to my patient, and scream hello into is ear is a wave. He smiles and says hello. He continues to eat his lunch in a slow fashion. He doesn't have enough strength or dexterity to use a fork in the proper way, so he scoops the food onto it like one would do with a spoon. It's hard not to reach out and help him as his hand shakes and most of the food falls off the fork. One time I do break from my role as  therapist, and help him by stabbing a piece of chicken with the fork and putting it back in his hand. 

"Don't you think I know how to eat?!" M says loudly.

I sit back and let him finish, monitoring his hand movements, coordination, and efficiency. A half hour later, he is still finishing his food, slowly but surely. He says he enjoyed the meal. Our treatment time is up, and he says goodbye with a wide smile.

        I return at lunch time the next day and greet M in the usual way. He is nearly asleep in his plate of food. My attempts to wake him are unsuccessful. His hands are clasped together tightly, and I try to separate them. No luck. I try to place his fork in his right hand, but am met with tightly gripped fingers. The nursing staff reports that he has been this way all day.

As I try to rouse M, I notice a woman in her sixties sitting next to a much older woman lying in a geriatric recliner chair. The lady in the chair is so small, she looks nearly skeletal. She has no teeth, doesn't speak, but cries out randomly. The woman next to her holds a spoon, scoops up some pureed food, and brings it to the elderly woman's mouth. She eats from the spoon.

"Mom, swallow!" the woman commands as gently as possible. I realize her mother doesn't understand she needs swallow pureed mush without a verbal cue to do so. 

The daughter gazes into her mother's face, and I can see the sorrow in her eyes. I try not to stare as I imagine this now decrepit old lady as a young woman, caring for her daughter, feeding her, and teaching her how to walk. The tables have certainly turned. I learn the daughter returns almost daily to feed her mother. 

This is dementia. This is real life. And sometimes life isn't fair or easy. Through it all, I attempt to be a blessing in all of my patients' lives, whether they remember me the next day or not. 

Florida Update

It's been a little crazy around here the last few months! I'm still planning on moving, but the "when" has been up in the air.

A couple of months ago, we found the most awesome pastor for our church. (Pastor VanDussen resigned in September.) Pastor Unger and his family (minus the twins) came to visit last month and it was the most fun weekend! I just love his girls and wife, and his preaching is on POINT. They are moving here this Saturday and we are all SO EXCITED! Their arrival and involvement in our church would be the only thing that would hold me back from leaving. They have really made me second guess my choice!

BUT don't get your hopes up. My "real" job is SO SLOW. I feel like I'm losing knowledge from not using it and I don't want to waste my education. So I've decided that I must leave this job no matter what. After some thinking and praying, I believe the best choice for me financially is to do the travel therapy job. (Please see my previous post for a full explanation as to what that is.) Last week I had a recruiter tell me to give up my Florida dream and go to Texas. I was pretty upset and criiiied for a day. Then I thought about it and figured if the Lord wants me to go to Texas, then I'll go. My daddy wasn't too happy about it. He is afraid I'll be raped and/or murdered, but that could happen anywhere! Even Traverse City. Our cousins/neighbors lived in Houston for 25 years, so they talked to me about it and explained where would be the safest and best places to live, which was VERY helpful, because I don't know a thing about Texas!

My heart is still set on Florida though. I think with Uncle Aaron being there I would feel so much safer. And the ocean trumps ALL! In the meantime, I started working at the Mini Mart again. I LOVE IT! I was employed there for 3 years in college, and haven't worked there in over 4 years. It's all coming back to me though, haha!

The same lady that told me to give up the Florida dream last Thursday called me yesterday and told me about a 13 week travel job near Daytona Beach. It's home health, which I have no experience in, so I doubt I will get it. Ya never know though! I would like to try home health. Over 100 people applied she said, so it will be a few days before we hear anything.

So for now, I'm just waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting, the story of my life!

Just wanted to update y'all. Merry Christmas, and remember to honor the true reason for the season!

*~Psalm 27:14~*

Sunshine Bound

I have a big announcement! After praying about this for the last 10 months, I’m moving to Florida! Those closest to me heard the news that I was approved for my Florida occupational therapy assistant license yesterday, after 5 weeks of waiting!  The hard copy of my license is in the mail! This means I can practice occupational therapy anywhere in the state of Florida now, as well as Michigan.

I’m going to take a page from my bestie Laura’s blog (http://lauratravelseurope.blogspot.com/) and do a little FAQ, since everyone seems to ask me the same questions!

*Didn’t you want to live in Manton forever? What about your job?

Yes I did! Last year at this time I was on the house hunting and actually put in an offer on a house across from the golf course. Thank GOD I decided not to counter offer! Last winter was the worst of my LIFE. Polar Vortex ain’t no joke! When I think about winter, I panic, as I don’t want to deal with another winter like that again! It was so colllld and depressing!
Now that my depression is under control, I know I can move away from my family and not cry 15 hours per day. I’m 25 and so ready to move out of my parents’ basement. SO ready! I need my own space. Finally, I need a different job. I need a full time job that keeps me occupied and where I have a strict schedule. I have too much freedom at my current job, which gets me into trouble when it comes to money. I only work between 20 and 30 hours per week (I’m paid hourly) and I can pretty much do whatever I want. This would be GREAT if I were a strong leader, but I am a follower, and have no self-discipline. I need structure and direction! I will probably regret that statement when I’m working 40 hours per week in a nursing home…!

*Why Florida?

My decision was between Texas, the Carolinas, Georgia, and Florida. My criteria for moving was/is:
1. Big city
2. Wifi & cell signal
3. Ocean
4. Sunshine
I’ve had enough of living in the middle of the woods! Texas was quickly ruled out because I don’t feel comfortable moving there, as I’ve never been there, and there’s too many drug cartels and sex trafficking operations going on for my peace of mind. My mom said she would not support a move to Texas. A jurisprudence exam is required in South Carolina, and since I don’t even know what that is and I don’t like tests, I ruled it out. North Carolina would be nice, but I’m not sure about the weather in the winter. I like it HOT!  I don’t know anyone in the surrounding states, either. So with it down to Florida and Georgia, I went with Florida. I’ve never been to the Georgia coast, and the only people I know in GA are in and near Atlanta. My Uncle Aaron and Aunt Jacquie live in Orlando, and I’ve been to many areas of Florida, so that felt like the most comfortable choice. Another major factor is the amount of sunshine. Sunshine is a big help for me with my depression, and I am grouchy and tired on cloudy days. The Sunshine State sounds like a good treatment!

*Do you have a job?

No. I have two options. I could apply for a job in whatever city I want, and move there and live my life like most normal people would do. These are called “perm” jobs and there are an abundance of them. Buuuut I’m not normal, so that’s not how I roll!
The second option is to sign on with a “travel company” like I did when I first graduated college. When I worked away before, I worked for Therapy Staff. They are a contract company, and assignments are typically 13 weeks. If a facility needs a therapist, they pay Therapy Staff to find one. This is bittersweet, because as a therapist, I will get paid more money, but many times these facilities are in desperate need of a therapist for a reason. (Sometimes it is just for a maternity leave or medical leave though.) Therapy Staff will also pay my rent, and whatever is left from the monthly stipend, I get to keep tax free! So this is the more lucrative option, but there are some major downsides.
Travel jobs become available about 2-4 weeks before the start date, with most closer to 2 weeks. That’s not much time when you’re moving from Michigan to Florida! The fact that each contract is around 13 weeks also makes it difficult to find an apartment. Most want a lease signed, and 3 months isn’t usually an option.
Right now there aren’t any travel jobs in Florida, but my recruiter/Therapy Staff contact hopes to see that change within the next few weeks. Another downside is that I have no idea where I’ll be going until a job pops up. My recruiter, Melissa, wanted to search north of Ocala, but I asked for Orlando and north, since I have family there. I want to stay as north as possible, because hurricanes freak me out.  Living way up near the “pinkie” in Michigan has always been annoying because it’s a good 3 hours to the border. So I don’t want to be way south in the peninsula of Florida. Driving would be easier for family (since a certain GRANDMA refuses to FLY to see me! ) and Melissa said it might be too much heat to handle if I go straight to Miami from Michigan.
Another negative is that every three months you’re starting a new job. This can be a blessing if the workplace isn’t ideal, but sad when it is!
ANOTHER possible downside is that I will most likely be working in skilled nursing facilities, aka nursing homes. I love working with the elderly but Medicare is so demanding and rude that it makes my job stressful. Working the last three years in an outpatient facility with no productivity rules has been a treat! Outpatient facilities rarely need contract therapists because everyone wants to work outpatient, so they find therapists easily without going to a travel company.

*Do you have a place to live?

Therapy Staff will find me a place once I accept a position.

*How will you handle living away from your family?

My family and I are very close so this will be hard. Especially being away from my baby brother Si and Copper J., the dog! My dad has recently discovered the wonder of flying instead of driving, so they will visit. I’m also flying Silas to Florida for next year’s Tim Tebow Foundation Celebrity Golf Classic, so I’ll see him in March. If I stay all summer, he could come down whenever. I’m not sure what Sawyer’s schedule will be, but him can come see his big sissy whenever he wants! We will have to Skype a lot! The longer I am away the easier it will be. 3 years ago I came home EVERY weekend and that made the trips back to work so hard. This way I will have no choice.
My dad is the least happy about my decision. That made me nervous because he said “I think it will be the biggest mistake of your life,” and he is usually right about EVERYTHING! But after grilling him, I’ve learned that he just wants me to live in his basement forever and never leave.  I said, “Aw, you DO love me!” and he said, “More than you’ll EVER know.” How cute?! It’s nice to be wanted! Haha!
I also NEED to find a church and get involved in some kind of Bible study or small group setting. I want to go to a big church with people my age. The other day I realized that I am the ONLY one from my high school youth group that isn’t married. The ONLY ONE! Which isn’t a big deal, but it leaves me alone in the 20-something-singles group (if we had one haha.) I need to find a church family that I feel comfortable around and to keep me busy!

*When are you leaving?

I’m not sure. Originally I had planned on January, but I kind of don’t want to suffer in the snow that long! Whenever they find me a job would be nice, but I think I will wait for December. My cousin is getting married on the 13th, and my BFFFR (best friend forever for real) Kate will be home the 12th, so right now I’m thinking December 14th. That way Kate can ride down with me and help me get settled. I may or may not come back for Christmas; it depends on the job and the start date. I’m still praying about it, but I think God’s telling me to wait until December. (ugh!)

*How long will you be gone?

Good question. Maybe I won’t like it down there and I’ll come back after 2 weeks! I could stay and work a couple of assignments, then take a month or two off to come home, but I don’t think I want to come home for such a long period of time. It’s hard going from living alone to a full household! So to answer this question, all I can say is that I’ll be there long enough to complete 1 assignment, whether it be an 8 week or 16 week assignment, I don’t know.

*Aren’t you scared?

No, I am getting a concealed weapon. Hehehe. Just passed the class on Saturday!


Basically, I have no idea what's going to happen to me or where I'll end up, but it's kind of a fun feeling. It's freeing! Thanks for reading. I’ll leave you with these verses that have been reminders to stay close to the Lord, and that He has a plan in all of this.

 “In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.”- Proverbs 3:6

 “For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry.”-
Habbakkuk 2:3

Passion: What's Yours?

“What is my passion?”

This is the question I’ve been asking myself for the past two months. While Katie and I were in Ponte Vedra on the golf course, we had hours and hours to discuss everything under the sun (literally!) I’m not sure how it came up, but I said something along the lines of “…it’s not my passion, but I enjoy it.” Katie replied, “What IS your passion?” She has a knack for asking the deep, thought provoking questions, probably from that humanities degree she possesses! I doubt she even remembers inquiring, but it struck me like lightning. I didn’t have an answer. How can one not know this about oneself? What is my passion?

There are plenty of things I enjoy and that make me happy, such as Jesus, family, music, reading, writing, the Bible, crafts, travel, the sky, sewing, fashion, shoes, football, the beach, yoga, Petoskey stones….but what is my PASSION?

I’ve asked others what their passion is, and most have an answer right away. Well, except my parents. My dad said his passion is “eating cookies, retiring in 2 years, and being debt free as of next week,” but he is just being silly! My dear friend Teresa’s passion is music. She has a beautiful voice and I love it when she sings to us and patients at work (except when she sings songs about snow!) My little brother is only 14, so I don’t expect him to have a concrete answer, but I truly believe golf is his passion. I have no doubt he will be a professional golfer someday if he wants to be! My other little brother’s passion is deer hunting. “I get a nervous twitch every spring because I just can’t wait for fall to come so I can go hunting!” he said. What makes me twitch with excitement and anticipation?

My next stop was the Bible, but that didn’t help me much when it comes to the actual word “passion” in the Word. Remember, I use the KJV, so it’s only listed 2 times. To further my research, I busted out the family dictionary, as well as my dictionary my Grandpa gave me when I was in middle school. Yes, we actually still have dictionaries in our home that we used for school work! There was no Google back then, kids! The New International Webster’s Pocket Dictionary defines passion as “intense emotion” while the more specific American Heritage Dictionary (2^nd edition, copyright 1985!) defines passion as “2.a. Ardent, adoring love…3. a. boundless enthusiasm. b. the object of such enthusiasm.” (It defines “ardent” as “b. Displaying or characterized by strong enthusiasm or devotion.”)  The trusty ol’ Merriam-Webster website says it best, in my opinion: “Passion: a strong feeling of enthusiasm or excitement for something or about doing something.”

Many people expect one’s work to be their passion. It would be such a blessing to be able to have a career fueled by passion! Though my field of work is very rewarding at times and I’m given the opportunity to improve people’s lives daily, it’s not something I wake up and am thrilled to get out and do. Even when I worked in skilled nursing facilities with elderly people (my favorite people!), it was a tough job. Between dealing with insurance companies, inadequate office space/materials/chain of command, being underpaid, and feeling underappreciated, having a career is not all it’s cracked up to be. My ultimate career goal is to one day be a wife and mother, but I feel as though other people should not be one’s passion in life. Especially other people I don't have in my life yet! We need to find ourselves and what makes us joyful, rather than looking to others for fulfillment and happiness.

If I had been asked this question a few years ago, I would’ve probably said music. I am not a talented musician, though I try to play piano (or I would, if I had my piano still…) and used to play clarinet in band. *nerd alert* Listening to and discovering music is one of my favorite things to do. Sometimes I will actually hyperventilate when I hear an amazing song. Music has always been a favorite of mine, as evidenced by my obsession with Billy Ray Cyrus in the early 1990s that I will willingly admit to! My parents went to a Def Leppard concert when Mom was pregnant with me, so I think that’s where the love started. I grew up listening to Southern Gospel and 80s hair bands, then started in with *NSYNC and the like. When I finally accepted *NSYNC’s breakup in 2003, my music taste branched out into pop-punk, alternative, underground awesomeness. Over the past few years I have been a little more careful what I allow myself to listen to (usually no swearing) and the music I discovered at age 14 and 15 is still probably my favorite. I now listen to Christian music, but only if it’s good quality, as in the artists are actually talented. Lately even country music is crossing my radar. I used to despise country! Ha! I have also been to more than 80 concerts, varying from local shows to world-wide arena tours. (I write down each one so I can remember who I saw when)

But music seems more like a past-time or my #1 hobby to me. Going to shows used to make me super excited, but now that I’m an old 25 year old with a career, waiting 12 hours in line on the street in downtown Detroit to get a good spot in front of the mosh pit just doesn’t sound appealing. My love of music will always exist, but it will always be changing, lessening at times, and growing at others.

While trying to figure out my passion, I thought of the meaning behind NEEDTOBREATHE’s name. The band’s former drummer explains it like this: “The name comes from a story I heard on a youth retreat. It’s about the philosopher Socrates. He taught several students by a small body of water. One of the students asked Socrates, ‘How do I know when I’m truly seeking wisdom in my life?’ Instead of answering the student, Socrates walked over to him and shoved the student’s head underneath the water. Socrates held him down until the student tried to force his way up for a breath. Then he let him up. As the student tried to regain composure, Socrates said, ‘When you desire for wisdom as much as you need to breathe, that’s when you know you’re seeking it.’” Seeking God should be as important to us in this way. The only thing I can think of that I absolutely cannot live without is my faith and love for the Lord. Honestly some days I wish I could just stay home and study the Bible all day because it is so incredible and I just can't get enough! Sometimes I am so excited about what the Lord is doing in my life, I can't help but talk about Him. Could serving Jesus be my passion? Or serving Him BY serving others? When I offer to help someone who really needs it, I find myself to be offended if they never take me up on the offer. I have been exploring this idea in my mind for a while, and I’m not sure where it will lead me, but I think this is a start! If only there was a way to combine all of my interests and loves into one career! That will have to be another blog post…

Now I want to ask my readers: What is your passion? Was this an easy question for you to answer, or did it take some thought? Please share, whether in a comment here, on Facebook, or on Twitter @ShanelSeger

Have a wonderful week!

“But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.” –Matthew 19:26