Sunshine Bound

I have a big announcement! After praying about this for the last 10 months, I’m moving to Florida! Those closest to me heard the news that I was approved for my Florida occupational therapy assistant license yesterday, after 5 weeks of waiting!  The hard copy of my license is in the mail! This means I can practice occupational therapy anywhere in the state of Florida now, as well as Michigan.

I’m going to take a page from my bestie Laura’s blog (http://lauratravelseurope.blogspot.com/) and do a little FAQ, since everyone seems to ask me the same questions!

*Didn’t you want to live in Manton forever? What about your job?

Yes I did! Last year at this time I was on the house hunting and actually put in an offer on a house across from the golf course. Thank GOD I decided not to counter offer! Last winter was the worst of my LIFE. Polar Vortex ain’t no joke! When I think about winter, I panic, as I don’t want to deal with another winter like that again! It was so colllld and depressing!
Now that my depression is under control, I know I can move away from my family and not cry 15 hours per day. I’m 25 and so ready to move out of my parents’ basement. SO ready! I need my own space. Finally, I need a different job. I need a full time job that keeps me occupied and where I have a strict schedule. I have too much freedom at my current job, which gets me into trouble when it comes to money. I only work between 20 and 30 hours per week (I’m paid hourly) and I can pretty much do whatever I want. This would be GREAT if I were a strong leader, but I am a follower, and have no self-discipline. I need structure and direction! I will probably regret that statement when I’m working 40 hours per week in a nursing home…!

*Why Florida?

My decision was between Texas, the Carolinas, Georgia, and Florida. My criteria for moving was/is:
1. Big city
2. Wifi & cell signal
3. Ocean
4. Sunshine
I’ve had enough of living in the middle of the woods! Texas was quickly ruled out because I don’t feel comfortable moving there, as I’ve never been there, and there’s too many drug cartels and sex trafficking operations going on for my peace of mind. My mom said she would not support a move to Texas. A jurisprudence exam is required in South Carolina, and since I don’t even know what that is and I don’t like tests, I ruled it out. North Carolina would be nice, but I’m not sure about the weather in the winter. I like it HOT!  I don’t know anyone in the surrounding states, either. So with it down to Florida and Georgia, I went with Florida. I’ve never been to the Georgia coast, and the only people I know in GA are in and near Atlanta. My Uncle Aaron and Aunt Jacquie live in Orlando, and I’ve been to many areas of Florida, so that felt like the most comfortable choice. Another major factor is the amount of sunshine. Sunshine is a big help for me with my depression, and I am grouchy and tired on cloudy days. The Sunshine State sounds like a good treatment!

*Do you have a job?

No. I have two options. I could apply for a job in whatever city I want, and move there and live my life like most normal people would do. These are called “perm” jobs and there are an abundance of them. Buuuut I’m not normal, so that’s not how I roll!
The second option is to sign on with a “travel company” like I did when I first graduated college. When I worked away before, I worked for Therapy Staff. They are a contract company, and assignments are typically 13 weeks. If a facility needs a therapist, they pay Therapy Staff to find one. This is bittersweet, because as a therapist, I will get paid more money, but many times these facilities are in desperate need of a therapist for a reason. (Sometimes it is just for a maternity leave or medical leave though.) Therapy Staff will also pay my rent, and whatever is left from the monthly stipend, I get to keep tax free! So this is the more lucrative option, but there are some major downsides.
Travel jobs become available about 2-4 weeks before the start date, with most closer to 2 weeks. That’s not much time when you’re moving from Michigan to Florida! The fact that each contract is around 13 weeks also makes it difficult to find an apartment. Most want a lease signed, and 3 months isn’t usually an option.
Right now there aren’t any travel jobs in Florida, but my recruiter/Therapy Staff contact hopes to see that change within the next few weeks. Another downside is that I have no idea where I’ll be going until a job pops up. My recruiter, Melissa, wanted to search north of Ocala, but I asked for Orlando and north, since I have family there. I want to stay as north as possible, because hurricanes freak me out.  Living way up near the “pinkie” in Michigan has always been annoying because it’s a good 3 hours to the border. So I don’t want to be way south in the peninsula of Florida. Driving would be easier for family (since a certain GRANDMA refuses to FLY to see me! ) and Melissa said it might be too much heat to handle if I go straight to Miami from Michigan.
Another negative is that every three months you’re starting a new job. This can be a blessing if the workplace isn’t ideal, but sad when it is!
ANOTHER possible downside is that I will most likely be working in skilled nursing facilities, aka nursing homes. I love working with the elderly but Medicare is so demanding and rude that it makes my job stressful. Working the last three years in an outpatient facility with no productivity rules has been a treat! Outpatient facilities rarely need contract therapists because everyone wants to work outpatient, so they find therapists easily without going to a travel company.

*Do you have a place to live?

Therapy Staff will find me a place once I accept a position.

*How will you handle living away from your family?

My family and I are very close so this will be hard. Especially being away from my baby brother Si and Copper J., the dog! My dad has recently discovered the wonder of flying instead of driving, so they will visit. I’m also flying Silas to Florida for next year’s Tim Tebow Foundation Celebrity Golf Classic, so I’ll see him in March. If I stay all summer, he could come down whenever. I’m not sure what Sawyer’s schedule will be, but him can come see his big sissy whenever he wants! We will have to Skype a lot! The longer I am away the easier it will be. 3 years ago I came home EVERY weekend and that made the trips back to work so hard. This way I will have no choice.
My dad is the least happy about my decision. That made me nervous because he said “I think it will be the biggest mistake of your life,” and he is usually right about EVERYTHING! But after grilling him, I’ve learned that he just wants me to live in his basement forever and never leave.  I said, “Aw, you DO love me!” and he said, “More than you’ll EVER know.” How cute?! It’s nice to be wanted! Haha!
I also NEED to find a church and get involved in some kind of Bible study or small group setting. I want to go to a big church with people my age. The other day I realized that I am the ONLY one from my high school youth group that isn’t married. The ONLY ONE! Which isn’t a big deal, but it leaves me alone in the 20-something-singles group (if we had one haha.) I need to find a church family that I feel comfortable around and to keep me busy!

*When are you leaving?

I’m not sure. Originally I had planned on January, but I kind of don’t want to suffer in the snow that long! Whenever they find me a job would be nice, but I think I will wait for December. My cousin is getting married on the 13th, and my BFFFR (best friend forever for real) Kate will be home the 12th, so right now I’m thinking December 14th. That way Kate can ride down with me and help me get settled. I may or may not come back for Christmas; it depends on the job and the start date. I’m still praying about it, but I think God’s telling me to wait until December. (ugh!)

*How long will you be gone?

Good question. Maybe I won’t like it down there and I’ll come back after 2 weeks! I could stay and work a couple of assignments, then take a month or two off to come home, but I don’t think I want to come home for such a long period of time. It’s hard going from living alone to a full household! So to answer this question, all I can say is that I’ll be there long enough to complete 1 assignment, whether it be an 8 week or 16 week assignment, I don’t know.

*Aren’t you scared?

No, I am getting a concealed weapon. Hehehe. Just passed the class on Saturday!


Basically, I have no idea what's going to happen to me or where I'll end up, but it's kind of a fun feeling. It's freeing! Thanks for reading. I’ll leave you with these verses that have been reminders to stay close to the Lord, and that He has a plan in all of this.

 “In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.”- Proverbs 3:6

 “For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry.”-
Habbakkuk 2:3

Bible

I don't know about y'all, but I have gone to church since birth, but never really read or studied my Bible outside of church. Sure, I looked stuff up once in a while. I also attended a fantastic women's Bible study for about a year, but then the leader left. (I was heartbroken!) My Dad always read the Bible when I was growing up and is very knowledgable about it, but he never made me read it or do devotions, which surprises me. I loved the mini series "The Bible" that was on tv last year, and the show The American Bible Challenge. Both shows made me realize how much I don't know about the Bible! 

This January, Pastor VanDussen mentioned reading the Bible all the way through, which I have always wanted to do. January 6, 2014 I started reading from Genesis and am loving it! I am in the middle of Joshua right now. I read the King James Version (very strict about this!) of the Life Application Bible. I adore it! It explains confusing passages, gives background or historical information, and, you guessed it, applies God's word to life. 

Genesis and Exodus were awesome, and Joseph is my new favorite person from Bible times, after Jesus, of course! Then I got to Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy....whew those were a bit of a struggle to get through! Lots of repetitive laws to the Israelites, but I pushed through because I know it's important if God put it in there! 

One just doesn't realize how much one misses by not reading the Bible. Just going to church doesn't cut it. For instance, I didn't know Jacob's name was changed to Israel, and the Israelites are his decedents. I thought they were named after the country, not the other way around! My lack of Biblical knowledge had made me feel like a bad Christian and a hypocrite. But I am learning so much now! I can't wait to get to Ruth, Psalms, and then the New Testament. Being a history buff probably makes me enjoy reading even more. 

I encourage anyone who has never spent much time in the Bible to bust it out and start reading! You will not regret it and you will be blessed! 

Have a fabulous weekend! 

-Nellie

Ps My Bible weighs almost 5 pounds. Whew! 

Twenty Four

Tomorrow is my 25th birthday. Normally I am not excited about birthdays, but this one seems like a big deal for me. Is 25 a big deal for other people? Haha. Maybe it's because I love the number 5? Or because I feel so great? Hmmm.

As I was on the elliptical today (for over an hour, mind you!) I was thinking about 10 years ago when I saw Switchfoot perform their song "Twenty Four" on their live DVD. Jon said he wrote it the night before his 25th birthday. I remember thinking "I have GOT to listen to this song the day before I turn 25! That's in like, 10 years, WHOA!" WHOA that 10 years is gone and here I am, watching the DVD just like I did then. It's funny how the song has a whole different meaning 10 years later, and makes total sense in my life right now. Here is the audio to that performance: http://youtu.be/zoJMP6wc9Lo

Now that I am feeling healthy mentally God has raised the "dead" or stagnant spirit in me and has helped me grow so much in the last few months. "I am the second man, now"...God now has FULL control of my life, and is #1! I am second. I always have been, but never really fully grasped what that means. Now that I'm thinking clearly, everything makes so much more sense. He was always with me, but I wasn't fully focused on Him.

I became a Christian when I was 5 or 6 years old (the exact date is a topic of confusion and debate in our family, but I remember when it was! Vacation Bible School at Manton Baptist Church, and then Dad went over the plan of salvation with me later and made sure I knew what I was doing.) There is so much I wish I could change about the last 20 years of my life as a Christian, but there is a reason for it all. I'm not sure why He made me wait until I was 24 to figure out why I did some of the things I did, but I am thankful I figured it out now rather than in 60 years! Yesterday in church, God told me I needed to apologize to two friends I was mean to in high school, so I did. It felt so good to do that. I know immaturity, selfishness, and normal teenage drama was most of it, but I also think the undiagnosed depression was working against me, too. Thanks to God for showing me the right thing to do, even if it is quite a few years later. Better late than never, right? 

Though I am not where I thought I would be at 25, I am ready to face 2014 and 25 head on; no more copping out. For some reason I feel like 25 is going to be a big year and I can't wait!

"I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

You're raising the dead in me

Oh, oh I am the second man

Oh, oh I am the second man now

Oh, oh I am the second man now"

-Nellie

PS to kick off my big year, Tim Tebow tweeted me! AHHHH I'm trying not to be all fangirl, but it's not working. I had to ask like 20 questions before he responded, haha! He is awesome, and inspiring, and I just love him! Dream man!!!! 

Wasteland

"All these people I meet/they seem like they're fine/In some way I hope they're not/and their hearts are like mine" -NEEDTOBREATHE

Do you ever hear a song and think "YES!"? When I first heard the song "Wasteland" by NEEDTOBREATHE, I felt like Bear was singing words directly out of my head. When I wrote the blog revealing my depression diagnosis, I didn't expect to find that I had issues in common with so many others. I didn't know some people felt or thought like me. I even met someone who had Binge Eating Disorder and had to go to inpatient rehab for it! It blows my mind the people that keep mental health issues quiet. Though I have had mainly positive feedback, I can tell there are some who think I made it up or that it's something I can just fix by exercising more or getting closer to God. I wholeheartedly believe I was born with it. There is a home video of me at age 3 and I was pouting. Mom said "Are you sad?" and I said yes. She asked why and I said "I don't know" What 3 year old does that? It's comforting to know that there are others who have been where I am/was, and they have hearts like mine.

"If God is on my side, who can be against me?/In this wasteland where I'm living/there is a crack in the door filled with light/and it's all that I need to get by/In this wasteland where I'm living/there is a crack in the door filled with light/and it's all that I need to SHINE"-NEEDTOBREATHE

What an inspiring bunch of lyrics! Even when life and its circumstances seem so dark, with God there is ALWAYS that sliver of hope to hold onto. I will never understand how people go through life without God. What do they have to look forward to? Who do they turn to when something bad happens? I am glad I will never have to face those questions myself, I know Who I can turn to and Who will rescue (and has rescued!) me from the dark. As soon as I heard this song, i was just in love. I feel like I could make a sermon based on it, haha! 

NTB's new album comes out in April and I am beyond ready for it! Whenever they come out with something new, it is just incredible, and always even better than their last release. Silas and I have seen them about a dozen times, and nothing compares to their live shows. They are some talented dudes! Oh, and they love Jesus, so that's a plus. They aren't really labeled a "Christian band" though, which is cool with me. There are so many Christian acts out there that are not talented, I'm sad to say. That's why I never listened to the Christian radio stations until a few years ago. The Christian music industry is so watered down with artists who are not gifted singers, or who try way too hard to sound "mainstream" and end up just sounding ridiculous. Music is one of my favorite things in the world, so I may be a little extra critical, but hey, I know talent when I hear it. I should've been in the music industry, so many bands I saw in high school and college blew up! (Plain White T's, fun., Bowling for Soup, All Time Low, Fall Out Boy, Panic! At the Disco...) ANYWAY I love how NTB is super talented, rock and roll, but their songs are so much more than soaring vocals and solid guitar solos. Most of their songs people don't even know are Christ-centered. Which I think can be a good thing, because it draws in a different crowd. I have been a Christian for almost 20 years, and I was hesitant about Christian music because so much of it is laughable. These guys changed that for me! Y'all should go YouTube the song "Wasteland" because it's great. April 15th cannot come fast enough! I was actually contemplating taking the day off work so I could listen to the album all day....Now that is love!

I hope you all find that crack of light that is Jesus Christ and allow yourself to SHINE for him! God bless!

-Nellie

Wait

Thank you all for the kind blog comments, texts, Facebook messages, Facebook comments, pins, shares, and phone calls regarding my last post ( depression blog ) I really didn't expect it to get that much attention, and especially not such POSITIVE attention! Ya'll really made me feel special! Bless your hearts! I have also found out about many many cousins and relatives (over a dozen!) who have the same diagnosis, mainly on my dad's side. Most of them just prefer to hide it, which makes me glad I "came out" about it, rather than just pretend it isn't there.

"Wait" has been a big theme in my life. With how good I have been feeling, sometimes I wonder what my life would be like had I found out about my depression earlier in life. Sometimes I am angry, especially when I think of all the times I struggled with being in such a dark place and thought that was normal. It makes me sad. When these thoughts come to mind, I remind myself that there is a reason for not figuring it out til age 24. It could've been much later! God has a master plan that is yet to be revealed, and I have to patiently wait. There's a reason He made me go through all of this, and like I said, if I can help and encourage just one person for Christ, then it is all worth it. Though I have a great career as an occupational therapy assistant, and my mom says I am really good at it, my biggest career goal is to be a "trophy wife"! HA! Not just in looks (I can dream, right?) but in character, integrity, and the Proverbs 31 sense. Kids were never on my agenda until I was about 20, then I decided I want 4 or 5! I have really struggled the last 5 years with the fact that I am single and no future husband is in sight. Knowing what I know now, thank GOD I didn't get married at a young age like I wanted! The undiagnosed depression would've made for horrible relationship, I am sure. Once again, God said "Wait!" Preparing to be a wife is something that has been heavy on my heart as well. The older I get, the more

I see how difficult marriage is, and how much work/dedication/selflessness it takes. I am reading Tim Tebow's book (again...hehe) and his mother, Pam, is just amazing. She is my ultimate role model when it comes to homemaking and parenting! It just makes me realize how much I have to do to get to that point where I could be even half as great as her. I have really been stressing/thinking about this lately (which is super annoying since marriage is not even on my radar right now,) but I just keep assuring myself that there will never be a point where I know everything! I feel like if I prepare myself to be a wife and then mother, I will be READY when the time comes, but I don't think we are ever fully ready for anything. If we had to wait until we were ready to do the big stuff in life, we wouldn't get much accomplished. There will always be more handy advice, another book to read, another Bible study to do, and always room for improvement. And that's ok, because that's how God made us. I will never be the perfect person, sister, daughter, wife, mother, etc. Waiting on Him and trusting His timing is my latest conquest. Essentially the whole point of LIFE as humans in general is to keep growing, and to keep striving to be more like HIM every day.

So that is what I'm going attempt to do. Who is with me? Have a blessed week!
-Nellie

My New Life

A few months ago, I faced something that for me, was rather life changing. Now that I am feeling better and more confident, I want to share my story. This is something I typed up right after my diagnosis.

October 21 seems to be a significant day for me. 10 years ago, the North album by Something Corporate came out. It was such a life shaping collection of songs for me! I cannot imagine my life without that band or those songs. 10 years later, October 21, 2013, I was diagnosed with severe depression, mild anxiety, and Binge Eating Disorder. I am no longer normal. I am broken. Right now, I feel ok. Because there is actually something wrong with me, I think it makes me feel better. I believe I have been depressed for the past 3 years, maybe longer. The psychologist was very nice and it went pretty much as I expected. She did ask a few questions that threw me off, but I'm sure that's the point of therapy. My Mom has suspected something was wrong with me for years. She has had the Drs check my thyroid, and even asked them if I was bipolar. One Dr. said "There's no test for that" and sent us on our way. Looking back, I wonder if we should've pursued this lead. (The psychologist doesn't believe I am bipolar. WHEW!) Last week I looked up something on BED, and saw that it said it is a side effect of depression usually. I didn't think anything of it until two coworkers/friends and I were talking and I explained how I just want to lie in my bed all day and look at the tv. One of them said "That sounds more like depression to me than hypothyroid..." which got me thinking. The more I read and thought about it, the more I was convinced I was depressed. I told the Dr. first thing that I wonder if the BED is a symptom of depression, and she said yes. So I was totally correct in BOTH of the self diagnoses! I wish I was wrong though. Because the depression is severe, I have to go tomorrow and see a Dr. for medication. WHAT this can't be my life! The more I let it sink in, it seems weird. To actually have something wrong with me and not just be irritable and grouchy and sad for no reason?! At least there is a reason and I can start getting better. Another thing the Dr said that is important is that depression is a symptom of hypothyroidism. So now I need to go to my regular Dr (who is actually on maternity leave right now) and get a referral to an endocrinologist to pursue that route. I feel as though some people think I'm a hypochondriac, and that hurts me. Feeling like this is the worst, I can't just snap out of it! On Saturday my family was upstairs laughing and carrying on, and I was lying in my bed crying for no apparent reason, other than the fact that I wanted to join them but just couldn't. That kind of scared me but thankfully cousin Paige was texting me through it. After the appt I was praying and thanking God for helping me through the appt, actually getting there in the first place, etc. The only words I could utter were "Thank you" and it just felt like it was enough. He knows exactly what I am going through and exactly what I need. I think He is leading me down the path to recovery and happiness. After I got to work, I spoke with my boss Denice, who is also a friend. I told her I hadn't even uttered the words yet to myself, and when I told her I started crying and sobbing. She is awesome and helped me calm down. "Maybe God is putting you through this so you can help others someday! You will actually be able to say 'I have been through this and this is how I did it'!" I never even thought of that. I don't want to tell my mom. She is sometimes judgmental, and I have to admit, I was too, when it comes to mental illness. I'm afraid she will say "What do YOU have to be depressed about?!" Well it's not like it's a choice! It's chemicals in my brain that aren't right! I will have to tell my dad, as he is the insurance carrier and will see the psychological counseling place on his insurance I'm sure. I am at my Paige's right now. I have so many questions. Though I have researched depression and learned about it in school, it doesn't prepare for when YOU are the one diagnosed with it. Well, I just wanted to get this on paper. Or screen, I guess. I've been wanting to start a blog for a while and I thought this would be a good place to start. October 21, 2013, another life changing day, I am guessing. Shanel 10/21/13 4:38 pm

Well, there it is. Indeed, it was a life changing day. Since then, I have learned that I do NOT have thyroid issues, and it is depression, anxiety, and BED. My therapist thinks I have had the BED since about age 8, and have concluded that I have been depressed for 12 years-starting my freshman year of high school. She says because I have been depressed for so long, I most likely was born this way, without enough chemicals to balance things out. For some reason, I feel the need to share my story, rather than sweep it under the rug like most people do. Maybe that's because I am not very good at keeping secrets? Haha! But for real, I am surprised at the people I have heard who have gone through similar situations with depression, and I never knew about it. An issue I have come across is the fact that I am a Christian who has mental health issues. I was afraid to tell anyone because I thought they would think I wasn't right with God and that's why I am going facing this. I even found myself thinking "Why isn't God enough? Why can't He get me through this?" Sadly, that's how many people think of depression and mental illness. Not as an actual medical issue, but one that's made up and easily fixed. For the record, I was put on medication right away due to the severity of the depression, and am now down to therapy only once every other week. It took 4 weeks and doubling the dose of meds, but after a couple months, I can honestly say I have never felt this good or thought so clearly in my entire life! And I don't think that's just because of the medical intervention-it's God. The way I feel is mind blowing to be. Every day I think "Wow I feel so good!" and sometimes I wonder how long it will last. Feeling the way I did is not something I ever want to experience again, and I am confident that I won't, as long as I stick to what works. I no longer think about food 24/7, which I thought was normal. Sometimes I actually forget to eat! And I rarely binge anymore, so PTL! There was one weird side effect that I had for a while: yawning! Ha! It was so annoying and huge yawns. Going through this process has done nothing but brought me even closer to God, as I have had to rely on Him even more than before. People say you shouldn't care what others think of you, but deep down, everyone does. Why NOT share this part of my life? Like Denice said, maybe I can help someone else who is suffering because of sharing my story? It's worth a try. Thanks for reading, and have a blessed day.