Florida Update

It's been a little crazy around here the last few months! I'm still planning on moving, but the "when" has been up in the air.

A couple of months ago, we found the most awesome pastor for our church. (Pastor VanDussen resigned in September.) Pastor Unger and his family (minus the twins) came to visit last month and it was the most fun weekend! I just love his girls and wife, and his preaching is on POINT. They are moving here this Saturday and we are all SO EXCITED! Their arrival and involvement in our church would be the only thing that would hold me back from leaving. They have really made me second guess my choice!

BUT don't get your hopes up. My "real" job is SO SLOW. I feel like I'm losing knowledge from not using it and I don't want to waste my education. So I've decided that I must leave this job no matter what. After some thinking and praying, I believe the best choice for me financially is to do the travel therapy job. (Please see my previous post for a full explanation as to what that is.) Last week I had a recruiter tell me to give up my Florida dream and go to Texas. I was pretty upset and criiiied for a day. Then I thought about it and figured if the Lord wants me to go to Texas, then I'll go. My daddy wasn't too happy about it. He is afraid I'll be raped and/or murdered, but that could happen anywhere! Even Traverse City. Our cousins/neighbors lived in Houston for 25 years, so they talked to me about it and explained where would be the safest and best places to live, which was VERY helpful, because I don't know a thing about Texas!

My heart is still set on Florida though. I think with Uncle Aaron being there I would feel so much safer. And the ocean trumps ALL! In the meantime, I started working at the Mini Mart again. I LOVE IT! I was employed there for 3 years in college, and haven't worked there in over 4 years. It's all coming back to me though, haha!

The same lady that told me to give up the Florida dream last Thursday called me yesterday and told me about a 13 week travel job near Daytona Beach. It's home health, which I have no experience in, so I doubt I will get it. Ya never know though! I would like to try home health. Over 100 people applied she said, so it will be a few days before we hear anything.

So for now, I'm just waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting, the story of my life!

Just wanted to update y'all. Merry Christmas, and remember to honor the true reason for the season!

*~Psalm 27:14~*

Sunshine Bound

I have a big announcement! After praying about this for the last 10 months, I’m moving to Florida! Those closest to me heard the news that I was approved for my Florida occupational therapy assistant license yesterday, after 5 weeks of waiting!  The hard copy of my license is in the mail! This means I can practice occupational therapy anywhere in the state of Florida now, as well as Michigan.

I’m going to take a page from my bestie Laura’s blog (http://lauratravelseurope.blogspot.com/) and do a little FAQ, since everyone seems to ask me the same questions!

*Didn’t you want to live in Manton forever? What about your job?

Yes I did! Last year at this time I was on the house hunting and actually put in an offer on a house across from the golf course. Thank GOD I decided not to counter offer! Last winter was the worst of my LIFE. Polar Vortex ain’t no joke! When I think about winter, I panic, as I don’t want to deal with another winter like that again! It was so colllld and depressing!
Now that my depression is under control, I know I can move away from my family and not cry 15 hours per day. I’m 25 and so ready to move out of my parents’ basement. SO ready! I need my own space. Finally, I need a different job. I need a full time job that keeps me occupied and where I have a strict schedule. I have too much freedom at my current job, which gets me into trouble when it comes to money. I only work between 20 and 30 hours per week (I’m paid hourly) and I can pretty much do whatever I want. This would be GREAT if I were a strong leader, but I am a follower, and have no self-discipline. I need structure and direction! I will probably regret that statement when I’m working 40 hours per week in a nursing home…!

*Why Florida?

My decision was between Texas, the Carolinas, Georgia, and Florida. My criteria for moving was/is:
1. Big city
2. Wifi & cell signal
3. Ocean
4. Sunshine
I’ve had enough of living in the middle of the woods! Texas was quickly ruled out because I don’t feel comfortable moving there, as I’ve never been there, and there’s too many drug cartels and sex trafficking operations going on for my peace of mind. My mom said she would not support a move to Texas. A jurisprudence exam is required in South Carolina, and since I don’t even know what that is and I don’t like tests, I ruled it out. North Carolina would be nice, but I’m not sure about the weather in the winter. I like it HOT!  I don’t know anyone in the surrounding states, either. So with it down to Florida and Georgia, I went with Florida. I’ve never been to the Georgia coast, and the only people I know in GA are in and near Atlanta. My Uncle Aaron and Aunt Jacquie live in Orlando, and I’ve been to many areas of Florida, so that felt like the most comfortable choice. Another major factor is the amount of sunshine. Sunshine is a big help for me with my depression, and I am grouchy and tired on cloudy days. The Sunshine State sounds like a good treatment!

*Do you have a job?

No. I have two options. I could apply for a job in whatever city I want, and move there and live my life like most normal people would do. These are called “perm” jobs and there are an abundance of them. Buuuut I’m not normal, so that’s not how I roll!
The second option is to sign on with a “travel company” like I did when I first graduated college. When I worked away before, I worked for Therapy Staff. They are a contract company, and assignments are typically 13 weeks. If a facility needs a therapist, they pay Therapy Staff to find one. This is bittersweet, because as a therapist, I will get paid more money, but many times these facilities are in desperate need of a therapist for a reason. (Sometimes it is just for a maternity leave or medical leave though.) Therapy Staff will also pay my rent, and whatever is left from the monthly stipend, I get to keep tax free! So this is the more lucrative option, but there are some major downsides.
Travel jobs become available about 2-4 weeks before the start date, with most closer to 2 weeks. That’s not much time when you’re moving from Michigan to Florida! The fact that each contract is around 13 weeks also makes it difficult to find an apartment. Most want a lease signed, and 3 months isn’t usually an option.
Right now there aren’t any travel jobs in Florida, but my recruiter/Therapy Staff contact hopes to see that change within the next few weeks. Another downside is that I have no idea where I’ll be going until a job pops up. My recruiter, Melissa, wanted to search north of Ocala, but I asked for Orlando and north, since I have family there. I want to stay as north as possible, because hurricanes freak me out.  Living way up near the “pinkie” in Michigan has always been annoying because it’s a good 3 hours to the border. So I don’t want to be way south in the peninsula of Florida. Driving would be easier for family (since a certain GRANDMA refuses to FLY to see me! ) and Melissa said it might be too much heat to handle if I go straight to Miami from Michigan.
Another negative is that every three months you’re starting a new job. This can be a blessing if the workplace isn’t ideal, but sad when it is!
ANOTHER possible downside is that I will most likely be working in skilled nursing facilities, aka nursing homes. I love working with the elderly but Medicare is so demanding and rude that it makes my job stressful. Working the last three years in an outpatient facility with no productivity rules has been a treat! Outpatient facilities rarely need contract therapists because everyone wants to work outpatient, so they find therapists easily without going to a travel company.

*Do you have a place to live?

Therapy Staff will find me a place once I accept a position.

*How will you handle living away from your family?

My family and I are very close so this will be hard. Especially being away from my baby brother Si and Copper J., the dog! My dad has recently discovered the wonder of flying instead of driving, so they will visit. I’m also flying Silas to Florida for next year’s Tim Tebow Foundation Celebrity Golf Classic, so I’ll see him in March. If I stay all summer, he could come down whenever. I’m not sure what Sawyer’s schedule will be, but him can come see his big sissy whenever he wants! We will have to Skype a lot! The longer I am away the easier it will be. 3 years ago I came home EVERY weekend and that made the trips back to work so hard. This way I will have no choice.
My dad is the least happy about my decision. That made me nervous because he said “I think it will be the biggest mistake of your life,” and he is usually right about EVERYTHING! But after grilling him, I’ve learned that he just wants me to live in his basement forever and never leave.  I said, “Aw, you DO love me!” and he said, “More than you’ll EVER know.” How cute?! It’s nice to be wanted! Haha!
I also NEED to find a church and get involved in some kind of Bible study or small group setting. I want to go to a big church with people my age. The other day I realized that I am the ONLY one from my high school youth group that isn’t married. The ONLY ONE! Which isn’t a big deal, but it leaves me alone in the 20-something-singles group (if we had one haha.) I need to find a church family that I feel comfortable around and to keep me busy!

*When are you leaving?

I’m not sure. Originally I had planned on January, but I kind of don’t want to suffer in the snow that long! Whenever they find me a job would be nice, but I think I will wait for December. My cousin is getting married on the 13th, and my BFFFR (best friend forever for real) Kate will be home the 12th, so right now I’m thinking December 14th. That way Kate can ride down with me and help me get settled. I may or may not come back for Christmas; it depends on the job and the start date. I’m still praying about it, but I think God’s telling me to wait until December. (ugh!)

*How long will you be gone?

Good question. Maybe I won’t like it down there and I’ll come back after 2 weeks! I could stay and work a couple of assignments, then take a month or two off to come home, but I don’t think I want to come home for such a long period of time. It’s hard going from living alone to a full household! So to answer this question, all I can say is that I’ll be there long enough to complete 1 assignment, whether it be an 8 week or 16 week assignment, I don’t know.

*Aren’t you scared?

No, I am getting a concealed weapon. Hehehe. Just passed the class on Saturday!


Basically, I have no idea what's going to happen to me or where I'll end up, but it's kind of a fun feeling. It's freeing! Thanks for reading. I’ll leave you with these verses that have been reminders to stay close to the Lord, and that He has a plan in all of this.

 “In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.”- Proverbs 3:6

 “For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry.”-
Habbakkuk 2:3

Passion: What's Yours?

“What is my passion?”

This is the question I’ve been asking myself for the past two months. While Katie and I were in Ponte Vedra on the golf course, we had hours and hours to discuss everything under the sun (literally!) I’m not sure how it came up, but I said something along the lines of “…it’s not my passion, but I enjoy it.” Katie replied, “What IS your passion?” She has a knack for asking the deep, thought provoking questions, probably from that humanities degree she possesses! I doubt she even remembers inquiring, but it struck me like lightning. I didn’t have an answer. How can one not know this about oneself? What is my passion?

There are plenty of things I enjoy and that make me happy, such as Jesus, family, music, reading, writing, the Bible, crafts, travel, the sky, sewing, fashion, shoes, football, the beach, yoga, Petoskey stones….but what is my PASSION?

I’ve asked others what their passion is, and most have an answer right away. Well, except my parents. My dad said his passion is “eating cookies, retiring in 2 years, and being debt free as of next week,” but he is just being silly! My dear friend Teresa’s passion is music. She has a beautiful voice and I love it when she sings to us and patients at work (except when she sings songs about snow!) My little brother is only 14, so I don’t expect him to have a concrete answer, but I truly believe golf is his passion. I have no doubt he will be a professional golfer someday if he wants to be! My other little brother’s passion is deer hunting. “I get a nervous twitch every spring because I just can’t wait for fall to come so I can go hunting!” he said. What makes me twitch with excitement and anticipation?

My next stop was the Bible, but that didn’t help me much when it comes to the actual word “passion” in the Word. Remember, I use the KJV, so it’s only listed 2 times. To further my research, I busted out the family dictionary, as well as my dictionary my Grandpa gave me when I was in middle school. Yes, we actually still have dictionaries in our home that we used for school work! There was no Google back then, kids! The New International Webster’s Pocket Dictionary defines passion as “intense emotion” while the more specific American Heritage Dictionary (2^nd edition, copyright 1985!) defines passion as “2.a. Ardent, adoring love…3. a. boundless enthusiasm. b. the object of such enthusiasm.” (It defines “ardent” as “b. Displaying or characterized by strong enthusiasm or devotion.”)  The trusty ol’ Merriam-Webster website says it best, in my opinion: “Passion: a strong feeling of enthusiasm or excitement for something or about doing something.”

Many people expect one’s work to be their passion. It would be such a blessing to be able to have a career fueled by passion! Though my field of work is very rewarding at times and I’m given the opportunity to improve people’s lives daily, it’s not something I wake up and am thrilled to get out and do. Even when I worked in skilled nursing facilities with elderly people (my favorite people!), it was a tough job. Between dealing with insurance companies, inadequate office space/materials/chain of command, being underpaid, and feeling underappreciated, having a career is not all it’s cracked up to be. My ultimate career goal is to one day be a wife and mother, but I feel as though other people should not be one’s passion in life. Especially other people I don't have in my life yet! We need to find ourselves and what makes us joyful, rather than looking to others for fulfillment and happiness.

If I had been asked this question a few years ago, I would’ve probably said music. I am not a talented musician, though I try to play piano (or I would, if I had my piano still…) and used to play clarinet in band. *nerd alert* Listening to and discovering music is one of my favorite things to do. Sometimes I will actually hyperventilate when I hear an amazing song. Music has always been a favorite of mine, as evidenced by my obsession with Billy Ray Cyrus in the early 1990s that I will willingly admit to! My parents went to a Def Leppard concert when Mom was pregnant with me, so I think that’s where the love started. I grew up listening to Southern Gospel and 80s hair bands, then started in with *NSYNC and the like. When I finally accepted *NSYNC’s breakup in 2003, my music taste branched out into pop-punk, alternative, underground awesomeness. Over the past few years I have been a little more careful what I allow myself to listen to (usually no swearing) and the music I discovered at age 14 and 15 is still probably my favorite. I now listen to Christian music, but only if it’s good quality, as in the artists are actually talented. Lately even country music is crossing my radar. I used to despise country! Ha! I have also been to more than 80 concerts, varying from local shows to world-wide arena tours. (I write down each one so I can remember who I saw when)

But music seems more like a past-time or my #1 hobby to me. Going to shows used to make me super excited, but now that I’m an old 25 year old with a career, waiting 12 hours in line on the street in downtown Detroit to get a good spot in front of the mosh pit just doesn’t sound appealing. My love of music will always exist, but it will always be changing, lessening at times, and growing at others.

While trying to figure out my passion, I thought of the meaning behind NEEDTOBREATHE’s name. The band’s former drummer explains it like this: “The name comes from a story I heard on a youth retreat. It’s about the philosopher Socrates. He taught several students by a small body of water. One of the students asked Socrates, ‘How do I know when I’m truly seeking wisdom in my life?’ Instead of answering the student, Socrates walked over to him and shoved the student’s head underneath the water. Socrates held him down until the student tried to force his way up for a breath. Then he let him up. As the student tried to regain composure, Socrates said, ‘When you desire for wisdom as much as you need to breathe, that’s when you know you’re seeking it.’” Seeking God should be as important to us in this way. The only thing I can think of that I absolutely cannot live without is my faith and love for the Lord. Honestly some days I wish I could just stay home and study the Bible all day because it is so incredible and I just can't get enough! Sometimes I am so excited about what the Lord is doing in my life, I can't help but talk about Him. Could serving Jesus be my passion? Or serving Him BY serving others? When I offer to help someone who really needs it, I find myself to be offended if they never take me up on the offer. I have been exploring this idea in my mind for a while, and I’m not sure where it will lead me, but I think this is a start! If only there was a way to combine all of my interests and loves into one career! That will have to be another blog post…

Now I want to ask my readers: What is your passion? Was this an easy question for you to answer, or did it take some thought? Please share, whether in a comment here, on Facebook, or on Twitter @ShanelSeger

Have a wonderful week!

“But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.” –Matthew 19:26

Bible

I don't know about y'all, but I have gone to church since birth, but never really read or studied my Bible outside of church. Sure, I looked stuff up once in a while. I also attended a fantastic women's Bible study for about a year, but then the leader left. (I was heartbroken!) My Dad always read the Bible when I was growing up and is very knowledgable about it, but he never made me read it or do devotions, which surprises me. I loved the mini series "The Bible" that was on tv last year, and the show The American Bible Challenge. Both shows made me realize how much I don't know about the Bible! 

This January, Pastor VanDussen mentioned reading the Bible all the way through, which I have always wanted to do. January 6, 2014 I started reading from Genesis and am loving it! I am in the middle of Joshua right now. I read the King James Version (very strict about this!) of the Life Application Bible. I adore it! It explains confusing passages, gives background or historical information, and, you guessed it, applies God's word to life. 

Genesis and Exodus were awesome, and Joseph is my new favorite person from Bible times, after Jesus, of course! Then I got to Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy....whew those were a bit of a struggle to get through! Lots of repetitive laws to the Israelites, but I pushed through because I know it's important if God put it in there! 

One just doesn't realize how much one misses by not reading the Bible. Just going to church doesn't cut it. For instance, I didn't know Jacob's name was changed to Israel, and the Israelites are his decedents. I thought they were named after the country, not the other way around! My lack of Biblical knowledge had made me feel like a bad Christian and a hypocrite. But I am learning so much now! I can't wait to get to Ruth, Psalms, and then the New Testament. Being a history buff probably makes me enjoy reading even more. 

I encourage anyone who has never spent much time in the Bible to bust it out and start reading! You will not regret it and you will be blessed! 

Have a fabulous weekend! 

-Nellie

Ps My Bible weighs almost 5 pounds. Whew! 

Twenty Four

Tomorrow is my 25th birthday. Normally I am not excited about birthdays, but this one seems like a big deal for me. Is 25 a big deal for other people? Haha. Maybe it's because I love the number 5? Or because I feel so great? Hmmm.

As I was on the elliptical today (for over an hour, mind you!) I was thinking about 10 years ago when I saw Switchfoot perform their song "Twenty Four" on their live DVD. Jon said he wrote it the night before his 25th birthday. I remember thinking "I have GOT to listen to this song the day before I turn 25! That's in like, 10 years, WHOA!" WHOA that 10 years is gone and here I am, watching the DVD just like I did then. It's funny how the song has a whole different meaning 10 years later, and makes total sense in my life right now. Here is the audio to that performance: http://youtu.be/zoJMP6wc9Lo

Now that I am feeling healthy mentally God has raised the "dead" or stagnant spirit in me and has helped me grow so much in the last few months. "I am the second man, now"...God now has FULL control of my life, and is #1! I am second. I always have been, but never really fully grasped what that means. Now that I'm thinking clearly, everything makes so much more sense. He was always with me, but I wasn't fully focused on Him.

I became a Christian when I was 5 or 6 years old (the exact date is a topic of confusion and debate in our family, but I remember when it was! Vacation Bible School at Manton Baptist Church, and then Dad went over the plan of salvation with me later and made sure I knew what I was doing.) There is so much I wish I could change about the last 20 years of my life as a Christian, but there is a reason for it all. I'm not sure why He made me wait until I was 24 to figure out why I did some of the things I did, but I am thankful I figured it out now rather than in 60 years! Yesterday in church, God told me I needed to apologize to two friends I was mean to in high school, so I did. It felt so good to do that. I know immaturity, selfishness, and normal teenage drama was most of it, but I also think the undiagnosed depression was working against me, too. Thanks to God for showing me the right thing to do, even if it is quite a few years later. Better late than never, right? 

Though I am not where I thought I would be at 25, I am ready to face 2014 and 25 head on; no more copping out. For some reason I feel like 25 is going to be a big year and I can't wait!

"I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

You're raising the dead in me

Oh, oh I am the second man

Oh, oh I am the second man now

Oh, oh I am the second man now"

-Nellie

PS to kick off my big year, Tim Tebow tweeted me! AHHHH I'm trying not to be all fangirl, but it's not working. I had to ask like 20 questions before he responded, haha! He is awesome, and inspiring, and I just love him! Dream man!!!! 

Wasteland

"All these people I meet/they seem like they're fine/In some way I hope they're not/and their hearts are like mine" -NEEDTOBREATHE

Do you ever hear a song and think "YES!"? When I first heard the song "Wasteland" by NEEDTOBREATHE, I felt like Bear was singing words directly out of my head. When I wrote the blog revealing my depression diagnosis, I didn't expect to find that I had issues in common with so many others. I didn't know some people felt or thought like me. I even met someone who had Binge Eating Disorder and had to go to inpatient rehab for it! It blows my mind the people that keep mental health issues quiet. Though I have had mainly positive feedback, I can tell there are some who think I made it up or that it's something I can just fix by exercising more or getting closer to God. I wholeheartedly believe I was born with it. There is a home video of me at age 3 and I was pouting. Mom said "Are you sad?" and I said yes. She asked why and I said "I don't know" What 3 year old does that? It's comforting to know that there are others who have been where I am/was, and they have hearts like mine.

"If God is on my side, who can be against me?/In this wasteland where I'm living/there is a crack in the door filled with light/and it's all that I need to get by/In this wasteland where I'm living/there is a crack in the door filled with light/and it's all that I need to SHINE"-NEEDTOBREATHE

What an inspiring bunch of lyrics! Even when life and its circumstances seem so dark, with God there is ALWAYS that sliver of hope to hold onto. I will never understand how people go through life without God. What do they have to look forward to? Who do they turn to when something bad happens? I am glad I will never have to face those questions myself, I know Who I can turn to and Who will rescue (and has rescued!) me from the dark. As soon as I heard this song, i was just in love. I feel like I could make a sermon based on it, haha! 

NTB's new album comes out in April and I am beyond ready for it! Whenever they come out with something new, it is just incredible, and always even better than their last release. Silas and I have seen them about a dozen times, and nothing compares to their live shows. They are some talented dudes! Oh, and they love Jesus, so that's a plus. They aren't really labeled a "Christian band" though, which is cool with me. There are so many Christian acts out there that are not talented, I'm sad to say. That's why I never listened to the Christian radio stations until a few years ago. The Christian music industry is so watered down with artists who are not gifted singers, or who try way too hard to sound "mainstream" and end up just sounding ridiculous. Music is one of my favorite things in the world, so I may be a little extra critical, but hey, I know talent when I hear it. I should've been in the music industry, so many bands I saw in high school and college blew up! (Plain White T's, fun., Bowling for Soup, All Time Low, Fall Out Boy, Panic! At the Disco...) ANYWAY I love how NTB is super talented, rock and roll, but their songs are so much more than soaring vocals and solid guitar solos. Most of their songs people don't even know are Christ-centered. Which I think can be a good thing, because it draws in a different crowd. I have been a Christian for almost 20 years, and I was hesitant about Christian music because so much of it is laughable. These guys changed that for me! Y'all should go YouTube the song "Wasteland" because it's great. April 15th cannot come fast enough! I was actually contemplating taking the day off work so I could listen to the album all day....Now that is love!

I hope you all find that crack of light that is Jesus Christ and allow yourself to SHINE for him! God bless!

-Nellie

Glitter

I love all things sparkly and glittery, so can we just take a break from the seriousness and talk about how awesome my nails are?! One of my cousin's friends did them for me for super cheap, and I think she did a great job. It's clean, and she speaks English! ;) The color is "All Kendall-ed Up" by Nichole by OPI. The pics aren't the best, but you get the idea!

Ok, that's all. 💅Shine on!

-Nellie

Wait

Thank you all for the kind blog comments, texts, Facebook messages, Facebook comments, pins, shares, and phone calls regarding my last post ( depression blog ) I really didn't expect it to get that much attention, and especially not such POSITIVE attention! Ya'll really made me feel special! Bless your hearts! I have also found out about many many cousins and relatives (over a dozen!) who have the same diagnosis, mainly on my dad's side. Most of them just prefer to hide it, which makes me glad I "came out" about it, rather than just pretend it isn't there.

"Wait" has been a big theme in my life. With how good I have been feeling, sometimes I wonder what my life would be like had I found out about my depression earlier in life. Sometimes I am angry, especially when I think of all the times I struggled with being in such a dark place and thought that was normal. It makes me sad. When these thoughts come to mind, I remind myself that there is a reason for not figuring it out til age 24. It could've been much later! God has a master plan that is yet to be revealed, and I have to patiently wait. There's a reason He made me go through all of this, and like I said, if I can help and encourage just one person for Christ, then it is all worth it. Though I have a great career as an occupational therapy assistant, and my mom says I am really good at it, my biggest career goal is to be a "trophy wife"! HA! Not just in looks (I can dream, right?) but in character, integrity, and the Proverbs 31 sense. Kids were never on my agenda until I was about 20, then I decided I want 4 or 5! I have really struggled the last 5 years with the fact that I am single and no future husband is in sight. Knowing what I know now, thank GOD I didn't get married at a young age like I wanted! The undiagnosed depression would've made for horrible relationship, I am sure. Once again, God said "Wait!" Preparing to be a wife is something that has been heavy on my heart as well. The older I get, the more

I see how difficult marriage is, and how much work/dedication/selflessness it takes. I am reading Tim Tebow's book (again...hehe) and his mother, Pam, is just amazing. She is my ultimate role model when it comes to homemaking and parenting! It just makes me realize how much I have to do to get to that point where I could be even half as great as her. I have really been stressing/thinking about this lately (which is super annoying since marriage is not even on my radar right now,) but I just keep assuring myself that there will never be a point where I know everything! I feel like if I prepare myself to be a wife and then mother, I will be READY when the time comes, but I don't think we are ever fully ready for anything. If we had to wait until we were ready to do the big stuff in life, we wouldn't get much accomplished. There will always be more handy advice, another book to read, another Bible study to do, and always room for improvement. And that's ok, because that's how God made us. I will never be the perfect person, sister, daughter, wife, mother, etc. Waiting on Him and trusting His timing is my latest conquest. Essentially the whole point of LIFE as humans in general is to keep growing, and to keep striving to be more like HIM every day.

So that is what I'm going attempt to do. Who is with me? Have a blessed week!
-Nellie

My New Life

A few months ago, I faced something that for me, was rather life changing. Now that I am feeling better and more confident, I want to share my story. This is something I typed up right after my diagnosis.

October 21 seems to be a significant day for me. 10 years ago, the North album by Something Corporate came out. It was such a life shaping collection of songs for me! I cannot imagine my life without that band or those songs. 10 years later, October 21, 2013, I was diagnosed with severe depression, mild anxiety, and Binge Eating Disorder. I am no longer normal. I am broken. Right now, I feel ok. Because there is actually something wrong with me, I think it makes me feel better. I believe I have been depressed for the past 3 years, maybe longer. The psychologist was very nice and it went pretty much as I expected. She did ask a few questions that threw me off, but I'm sure that's the point of therapy. My Mom has suspected something was wrong with me for years. She has had the Drs check my thyroid, and even asked them if I was bipolar. One Dr. said "There's no test for that" and sent us on our way. Looking back, I wonder if we should've pursued this lead. (The psychologist doesn't believe I am bipolar. WHEW!) Last week I looked up something on BED, and saw that it said it is a side effect of depression usually. I didn't think anything of it until two coworkers/friends and I were talking and I explained how I just want to lie in my bed all day and look at the tv. One of them said "That sounds more like depression to me than hypothyroid..." which got me thinking. The more I read and thought about it, the more I was convinced I was depressed. I told the Dr. first thing that I wonder if the BED is a symptom of depression, and she said yes. So I was totally correct in BOTH of the self diagnoses! I wish I was wrong though. Because the depression is severe, I have to go tomorrow and see a Dr. for medication. WHAT this can't be my life! The more I let it sink in, it seems weird. To actually have something wrong with me and not just be irritable and grouchy and sad for no reason?! At least there is a reason and I can start getting better. Another thing the Dr said that is important is that depression is a symptom of hypothyroidism. So now I need to go to my regular Dr (who is actually on maternity leave right now) and get a referral to an endocrinologist to pursue that route. I feel as though some people think I'm a hypochondriac, and that hurts me. Feeling like this is the worst, I can't just snap out of it! On Saturday my family was upstairs laughing and carrying on, and I was lying in my bed crying for no apparent reason, other than the fact that I wanted to join them but just couldn't. That kind of scared me but thankfully cousin Paige was texting me through it. After the appt I was praying and thanking God for helping me through the appt, actually getting there in the first place, etc. The only words I could utter were "Thank you" and it just felt like it was enough. He knows exactly what I am going through and exactly what I need. I think He is leading me down the path to recovery and happiness. After I got to work, I spoke with my boss Denice, who is also a friend. I told her I hadn't even uttered the words yet to myself, and when I told her I started crying and sobbing. She is awesome and helped me calm down. "Maybe God is putting you through this so you can help others someday! You will actually be able to say 'I have been through this and this is how I did it'!" I never even thought of that. I don't want to tell my mom. She is sometimes judgmental, and I have to admit, I was too, when it comes to mental illness. I'm afraid she will say "What do YOU have to be depressed about?!" Well it's not like it's a choice! It's chemicals in my brain that aren't right! I will have to tell my dad, as he is the insurance carrier and will see the psychological counseling place on his insurance I'm sure. I am at my Paige's right now. I have so many questions. Though I have researched depression and learned about it in school, it doesn't prepare for when YOU are the one diagnosed with it. Well, I just wanted to get this on paper. Or screen, I guess. I've been wanting to start a blog for a while and I thought this would be a good place to start. October 21, 2013, another life changing day, I am guessing. Shanel 10/21/13 4:38 pm

Well, there it is. Indeed, it was a life changing day. Since then, I have learned that I do NOT have thyroid issues, and it is depression, anxiety, and BED. My therapist thinks I have had the BED since about age 8, and have concluded that I have been depressed for 12 years-starting my freshman year of high school. She says because I have been depressed for so long, I most likely was born this way, without enough chemicals to balance things out. For some reason, I feel the need to share my story, rather than sweep it under the rug like most people do. Maybe that's because I am not very good at keeping secrets? Haha! But for real, I am surprised at the people I have heard who have gone through similar situations with depression, and I never knew about it. An issue I have come across is the fact that I am a Christian who has mental health issues. I was afraid to tell anyone because I thought they would think I wasn't right with God and that's why I am going facing this. I even found myself thinking "Why isn't God enough? Why can't He get me through this?" Sadly, that's how many people think of depression and mental illness. Not as an actual medical issue, but one that's made up and easily fixed. For the record, I was put on medication right away due to the severity of the depression, and am now down to therapy only once every other week. It took 4 weeks and doubling the dose of meds, but after a couple months, I can honestly say I have never felt this good or thought so clearly in my entire life! And I don't think that's just because of the medical intervention-it's God. The way I feel is mind blowing to be. Every day I think "Wow I feel so good!" and sometimes I wonder how long it will last. Feeling the way I did is not something I ever want to experience again, and I am confident that I won't, as long as I stick to what works. I no longer think about food 24/7, which I thought was normal. Sometimes I actually forget to eat! And I rarely binge anymore, so PTL! There was one weird side effect that I had for a while: yawning! Ha! It was so annoying and huge yawns. Going through this process has done nothing but brought me even closer to God, as I have had to rely on Him even more than before. People say you shouldn't care what others think of you, but deep down, everyone does. Why NOT share this part of my life? Like Denice said, maybe I can help someone else who is suffering because of sharing my story? It's worth a try. Thanks for reading, and have a blessed day.

With God, all things are possible!

Matthew 19:26-What an encouraging verse! Jesus is pretty cool like that.

Shine on, y'all 

One Word

This post by Jimmy Peña was inspiring. 

http://www.prayfit.com/2014/01/oneword/

My word is SHINE. I want to shine for Christ, and shine with all of the success I pray I'll have this year. 

What is YOUR one word?

Shine on! ☀️

-Nellie 

Blog Time!

I haven't had a blog in years! I used to have a "Free Open Diary" and would write on there multiple times per day during middle school and high school. Yikes, who knows what is in those posts?! 😳 

Writing and starting a blog has been on my mind been for a couple of years and I am finally doing it. I don't expect to get tons of followers or anything but I just like documenting my life and always have, for some reason. 

Well, I suppose I should head back to work. Have a great day! I'm pretending I'm somewhere warm instead of freezing in Michigan! ;)☀️

-Nellie