Wasteland

"All these people I meet/they seem like they're fine/In some way I hope they're not/and their hearts are like mine" -NEEDTOBREATHE

Do you ever hear a song and think "YES!"? When I first heard the song "Wasteland" by NEEDTOBREATHE, I felt like Bear was singing words directly out of my head. When I wrote the blog revealing my depression diagnosis, I didn't expect to find that I had issues in common with so many others. I didn't know some people felt or thought like me. I even met someone who had Binge Eating Disorder and had to go to inpatient rehab for it! It blows my mind the people that keep mental health issues quiet. Though I have had mainly positive feedback, I can tell there are some who think I made it up or that it's something I can just fix by exercising more or getting closer to God. I wholeheartedly believe I was born with it. There is a home video of me at age 3 and I was pouting. Mom said "Are you sad?" and I said yes. She asked why and I said "I don't know" What 3 year old does that? It's comforting to know that there are others who have been where I am/was, and they have hearts like mine.

"If God is on my side, who can be against me?/In this wasteland where I'm living/there is a crack in the door filled with light/and it's all that I need to get by/In this wasteland where I'm living/there is a crack in the door filled with light/and it's all that I need to SHINE"-NEEDTOBREATHE

What an inspiring bunch of lyrics! Even when life and its circumstances seem so dark, with God there is ALWAYS that sliver of hope to hold onto. I will never understand how people go through life without God. What do they have to look forward to? Who do they turn to when something bad happens? I am glad I will never have to face those questions myself, I know Who I can turn to and Who will rescue (and has rescued!) me from the dark. As soon as I heard this song, i was just in love. I feel like I could make a sermon based on it, haha! 

NTB's new album comes out in April and I am beyond ready for it! Whenever they come out with something new, it is just incredible, and always even better than their last release. Silas and I have seen them about a dozen times, and nothing compares to their live shows. They are some talented dudes! Oh, and they love Jesus, so that's a plus. They aren't really labeled a "Christian band" though, which is cool with me. There are so many Christian acts out there that are not talented, I'm sad to say. That's why I never listened to the Christian radio stations until a few years ago. The Christian music industry is so watered down with artists who are not gifted singers, or who try way too hard to sound "mainstream" and end up just sounding ridiculous. Music is one of my favorite things in the world, so I may be a little extra critical, but hey, I know talent when I hear it. I should've been in the music industry, so many bands I saw in high school and college blew up! (Plain White T's, fun., Bowling for Soup, All Time Low, Fall Out Boy, Panic! At the Disco...) ANYWAY I love how NTB is super talented, rock and roll, but their songs are so much more than soaring vocals and solid guitar solos. Most of their songs people don't even know are Christ-centered. Which I think can be a good thing, because it draws in a different crowd. I have been a Christian for almost 20 years, and I was hesitant about Christian music because so much of it is laughable. These guys changed that for me! Y'all should go YouTube the song "Wasteland" because it's great. April 15th cannot come fast enough! I was actually contemplating taking the day off work so I could listen to the album all day....Now that is love!

I hope you all find that crack of light that is Jesus Christ and allow yourself to SHINE for him! God bless!

-Nellie

Glitter

I love all things sparkly and glittery, so can we just take a break from the seriousness and talk about how awesome my nails are?! One of my cousin's friends did them for me for super cheap, and I think she did a great job. It's clean, and she speaks English! ;) The color is "All Kendall-ed Up" by Nichole by OPI. The pics aren't the best, but you get the idea!

Ok, that's all. 💅Shine on!

-Nellie

Wait

Thank you all for the kind blog comments, texts, Facebook messages, Facebook comments, pins, shares, and phone calls regarding my last post ( depression blog ) I really didn't expect it to get that much attention, and especially not such POSITIVE attention! Ya'll really made me feel special! Bless your hearts! I have also found out about many many cousins and relatives (over a dozen!) who have the same diagnosis, mainly on my dad's side. Most of them just prefer to hide it, which makes me glad I "came out" about it, rather than just pretend it isn't there.

"Wait" has been a big theme in my life. With how good I have been feeling, sometimes I wonder what my life would be like had I found out about my depression earlier in life. Sometimes I am angry, especially when I think of all the times I struggled with being in such a dark place and thought that was normal. It makes me sad. When these thoughts come to mind, I remind myself that there is a reason for not figuring it out til age 24. It could've been much later! God has a master plan that is yet to be revealed, and I have to patiently wait. There's a reason He made me go through all of this, and like I said, if I can help and encourage just one person for Christ, then it is all worth it. Though I have a great career as an occupational therapy assistant, and my mom says I am really good at it, my biggest career goal is to be a "trophy wife"! HA! Not just in looks (I can dream, right?) but in character, integrity, and the Proverbs 31 sense. Kids were never on my agenda until I was about 20, then I decided I want 4 or 5! I have really struggled the last 5 years with the fact that I am single and no future husband is in sight. Knowing what I know now, thank GOD I didn't get married at a young age like I wanted! The undiagnosed depression would've made for horrible relationship, I am sure. Once again, God said "Wait!" Preparing to be a wife is something that has been heavy on my heart as well. The older I get, the more

I see how difficult marriage is, and how much work/dedication/selflessness it takes. I am reading Tim Tebow's book (again...hehe) and his mother, Pam, is just amazing. She is my ultimate role model when it comes to homemaking and parenting! It just makes me realize how much I have to do to get to that point where I could be even half as great as her. I have really been stressing/thinking about this lately (which is super annoying since marriage is not even on my radar right now,) but I just keep assuring myself that there will never be a point where I know everything! I feel like if I prepare myself to be a wife and then mother, I will be READY when the time comes, but I don't think we are ever fully ready for anything. If we had to wait until we were ready to do the big stuff in life, we wouldn't get much accomplished. There will always be more handy advice, another book to read, another Bible study to do, and always room for improvement. And that's ok, because that's how God made us. I will never be the perfect person, sister, daughter, wife, mother, etc. Waiting on Him and trusting His timing is my latest conquest. Essentially the whole point of LIFE as humans in general is to keep growing, and to keep striving to be more like HIM every day.

So that is what I'm going attempt to do. Who is with me? Have a blessed week!
-Nellie

My New Life

A few months ago, I faced something that for me, was rather life changing. Now that I am feeling better and more confident, I want to share my story. This is something I typed up right after my diagnosis.

October 21 seems to be a significant day for me. 10 years ago, the North album by Something Corporate came out. It was such a life shaping collection of songs for me! I cannot imagine my life without that band or those songs. 10 years later, October 21, 2013, I was diagnosed with severe depression, mild anxiety, and Binge Eating Disorder. I am no longer normal. I am broken. Right now, I feel ok. Because there is actually something wrong with me, I think it makes me feel better. I believe I have been depressed for the past 3 years, maybe longer. The psychologist was very nice and it went pretty much as I expected. She did ask a few questions that threw me off, but I'm sure that's the point of therapy. My Mom has suspected something was wrong with me for years. She has had the Drs check my thyroid, and even asked them if I was bipolar. One Dr. said "There's no test for that" and sent us on our way. Looking back, I wonder if we should've pursued this lead. (The psychologist doesn't believe I am bipolar. WHEW!) Last week I looked up something on BED, and saw that it said it is a side effect of depression usually. I didn't think anything of it until two coworkers/friends and I were talking and I explained how I just want to lie in my bed all day and look at the tv. One of them said "That sounds more like depression to me than hypothyroid..." which got me thinking. The more I read and thought about it, the more I was convinced I was depressed. I told the Dr. first thing that I wonder if the BED is a symptom of depression, and she said yes. So I was totally correct in BOTH of the self diagnoses! I wish I was wrong though. Because the depression is severe, I have to go tomorrow and see a Dr. for medication. WHAT this can't be my life! The more I let it sink in, it seems weird. To actually have something wrong with me and not just be irritable and grouchy and sad for no reason?! At least there is a reason and I can start getting better. Another thing the Dr said that is important is that depression is a symptom of hypothyroidism. So now I need to go to my regular Dr (who is actually on maternity leave right now) and get a referral to an endocrinologist to pursue that route. I feel as though some people think I'm a hypochondriac, and that hurts me. Feeling like this is the worst, I can't just snap out of it! On Saturday my family was upstairs laughing and carrying on, and I was lying in my bed crying for no apparent reason, other than the fact that I wanted to join them but just couldn't. That kind of scared me but thankfully cousin Paige was texting me through it. After the appt I was praying and thanking God for helping me through the appt, actually getting there in the first place, etc. The only words I could utter were "Thank you" and it just felt like it was enough. He knows exactly what I am going through and exactly what I need. I think He is leading me down the path to recovery and happiness. After I got to work, I spoke with my boss Denice, who is also a friend. I told her I hadn't even uttered the words yet to myself, and when I told her I started crying and sobbing. She is awesome and helped me calm down. "Maybe God is putting you through this so you can help others someday! You will actually be able to say 'I have been through this and this is how I did it'!" I never even thought of that. I don't want to tell my mom. She is sometimes judgmental, and I have to admit, I was too, when it comes to mental illness. I'm afraid she will say "What do YOU have to be depressed about?!" Well it's not like it's a choice! It's chemicals in my brain that aren't right! I will have to tell my dad, as he is the insurance carrier and will see the psychological counseling place on his insurance I'm sure. I am at my Paige's right now. I have so many questions. Though I have researched depression and learned about it in school, it doesn't prepare for when YOU are the one diagnosed with it. Well, I just wanted to get this on paper. Or screen, I guess. I've been wanting to start a blog for a while and I thought this would be a good place to start. October 21, 2013, another life changing day, I am guessing. Shanel 10/21/13 4:38 pm

Well, there it is. Indeed, it was a life changing day. Since then, I have learned that I do NOT have thyroid issues, and it is depression, anxiety, and BED. My therapist thinks I have had the BED since about age 8, and have concluded that I have been depressed for 12 years-starting my freshman year of high school. She says because I have been depressed for so long, I most likely was born this way, without enough chemicals to balance things out. For some reason, I feel the need to share my story, rather than sweep it under the rug like most people do. Maybe that's because I am not very good at keeping secrets? Haha! But for real, I am surprised at the people I have heard who have gone through similar situations with depression, and I never knew about it. An issue I have come across is the fact that I am a Christian who has mental health issues. I was afraid to tell anyone because I thought they would think I wasn't right with God and that's why I am going facing this. I even found myself thinking "Why isn't God enough? Why can't He get me through this?" Sadly, that's how many people think of depression and mental illness. Not as an actual medical issue, but one that's made up and easily fixed. For the record, I was put on medication right away due to the severity of the depression, and am now down to therapy only once every other week. It took 4 weeks and doubling the dose of meds, but after a couple months, I can honestly say I have never felt this good or thought so clearly in my entire life! And I don't think that's just because of the medical intervention-it's God. The way I feel is mind blowing to be. Every day I think "Wow I feel so good!" and sometimes I wonder how long it will last. Feeling the way I did is not something I ever want to experience again, and I am confident that I won't, as long as I stick to what works. I no longer think about food 24/7, which I thought was normal. Sometimes I actually forget to eat! And I rarely binge anymore, so PTL! There was one weird side effect that I had for a while: yawning! Ha! It was so annoying and huge yawns. Going through this process has done nothing but brought me even closer to God, as I have had to rely on Him even more than before. People say you shouldn't care what others think of you, but deep down, everyone does. Why NOT share this part of my life? Like Denice said, maybe I can help someone else who is suffering because of sharing my story? It's worth a try. Thanks for reading, and have a blessed day.

With God, all things are possible!

Matthew 19:26-What an encouraging verse! Jesus is pretty cool like that.

Shine on, y'all 

One Word

This post by Jimmy Peña was inspiring. 

http://www.prayfit.com/2014/01/oneword/

My word is SHINE. I want to shine for Christ, and shine with all of the success I pray I'll have this year. 

What is YOUR one word?

Shine on! ☀️

-Nellie 

Blog Time!

I haven't had a blog in years! I used to have a "Free Open Diary" and would write on there multiple times per day during middle school and high school. Yikes, who knows what is in those posts?! 😳 

Writing and starting a blog has been on my mind been for a couple of years and I am finally doing it. I don't expect to get tons of followers or anything but I just like documenting my life and always have, for some reason. 

Well, I suppose I should head back to work. Have a great day! I'm pretending I'm somewhere warm instead of freezing in Michigan! ;)☀️

-Nellie