My New Life

A few months ago, I faced something that for me, was rather life changing. Now that I am feeling better and more confident, I want to share my story. This is something I typed up right after my diagnosis.

October 21 seems to be a significant day for me. 10 years ago, the North album by Something Corporate came out. It was such a life shaping collection of songs for me! I cannot imagine my life without that band or those songs. 10 years later, October 21, 2013, I was diagnosed with severe depression, mild anxiety, and Binge Eating Disorder. I am no longer normal. I am broken. Right now, I feel ok. Because there is actually something wrong with me, I think it makes me feel better. I believe I have been depressed for the past 3 years, maybe longer. The psychologist was very nice and it went pretty much as I expected. She did ask a few questions that threw me off, but I'm sure that's the point of therapy. My Mom has suspected something was wrong with me for years. She has had the Drs check my thyroid, and even asked them if I was bipolar. One Dr. said "There's no test for that" and sent us on our way. Looking back, I wonder if we should've pursued this lead. (The psychologist doesn't believe I am bipolar. WHEW!) Last week I looked up something on BED, and saw that it said it is a side effect of depression usually. I didn't think anything of it until two coworkers/friends and I were talking and I explained how I just want to lie in my bed all day and look at the tv. One of them said "That sounds more like depression to me than hypothyroid..." which got me thinking. The more I read and thought about it, the more I was convinced I was depressed. I told the Dr. first thing that I wonder if the BED is a symptom of depression, and she said yes. So I was totally correct in BOTH of the self diagnoses! I wish I was wrong though. Because the depression is severe, I have to go tomorrow and see a Dr. for medication. WHAT this can't be my life! The more I let it sink in, it seems weird. To actually have something wrong with me and not just be irritable and grouchy and sad for no reason?! At least there is a reason and I can start getting better. Another thing the Dr said that is important is that depression is a symptom of hypothyroidism. So now I need to go to my regular Dr (who is actually on maternity leave right now) and get a referral to an endocrinologist to pursue that route. I feel as though some people think I'm a hypochondriac, and that hurts me. Feeling like this is the worst, I can't just snap out of it! On Saturday my family was upstairs laughing and carrying on, and I was lying in my bed crying for no apparent reason, other than the fact that I wanted to join them but just couldn't. That kind of scared me but thankfully cousin Paige was texting me through it. After the appt I was praying and thanking God for helping me through the appt, actually getting there in the first place, etc. The only words I could utter were "Thank you" and it just felt like it was enough. He knows exactly what I am going through and exactly what I need. I think He is leading me down the path to recovery and happiness. After I got to work, I spoke with my boss Denice, who is also a friend. I told her I hadn't even uttered the words yet to myself, and when I told her I started crying and sobbing. She is awesome and helped me calm down. "Maybe God is putting you through this so you can help others someday! You will actually be able to say 'I have been through this and this is how I did it'!" I never even thought of that. I don't want to tell my mom. She is sometimes judgmental, and I have to admit, I was too, when it comes to mental illness. I'm afraid she will say "What do YOU have to be depressed about?!" Well it's not like it's a choice! It's chemicals in my brain that aren't right! I will have to tell my dad, as he is the insurance carrier and will see the psychological counseling place on his insurance I'm sure. I am at my Paige's right now. I have so many questions. Though I have researched depression and learned about it in school, it doesn't prepare for when YOU are the one diagnosed with it. Well, I just wanted to get this on paper. Or screen, I guess. I've been wanting to start a blog for a while and I thought this would be a good place to start. October 21, 2013, another life changing day, I am guessing. Shanel 10/21/13 4:38 pm

Well, there it is. Indeed, it was a life changing day. Since then, I have learned that I do NOT have thyroid issues, and it is depression, anxiety, and BED. My therapist thinks I have had the BED since about age 8, and have concluded that I have been depressed for 12 years-starting my freshman year of high school. She says because I have been depressed for so long, I most likely was born this way, without enough chemicals to balance things out. For some reason, I feel the need to share my story, rather than sweep it under the rug like most people do. Maybe that's because I am not very good at keeping secrets? Haha! But for real, I am surprised at the people I have heard who have gone through similar situations with depression, and I never knew about it. An issue I have come across is the fact that I am a Christian who has mental health issues. I was afraid to tell anyone because I thought they would think I wasn't right with God and that's why I am going facing this. I even found myself thinking "Why isn't God enough? Why can't He get me through this?" Sadly, that's how many people think of depression and mental illness. Not as an actual medical issue, but one that's made up and easily fixed. For the record, I was put on medication right away due to the severity of the depression, and am now down to therapy only once every other week. It took 4 weeks and doubling the dose of meds, but after a couple months, I can honestly say I have never felt this good or thought so clearly in my entire life! And I don't think that's just because of the medical intervention-it's God. The way I feel is mind blowing to be. Every day I think "Wow I feel so good!" and sometimes I wonder how long it will last. Feeling the way I did is not something I ever want to experience again, and I am confident that I won't, as long as I stick to what works. I no longer think about food 24/7, which I thought was normal. Sometimes I actually forget to eat! And I rarely binge anymore, so PTL! There was one weird side effect that I had for a while: yawning! Ha! It was so annoying and huge yawns. Going through this process has done nothing but brought me even closer to God, as I have had to rely on Him even more than before. People say you shouldn't care what others think of you, but deep down, everyone does. Why NOT share this part of my life? Like Denice said, maybe I can help someone else who is suffering because of sharing my story? It's worth a try. Thanks for reading, and have a blessed day.